The Decision to Love

*This past semester we were asked to keep a journal of our thoughts throughout the class, this is one of my entries*

​I once read a book that stated “But falling in love is different. Falling is a feeling. Loving is a decision. You can fall in love with a lot of people, but you don’t have to make a commitment to them.” This quote has stuck with me through the years, because of the truth of it. Love is not always rainbows and unicorn and is more often than not hard, frustrating, and challenging, which of course many people know, but many people do not understand the depth of love that God calls us to have. I’m reminded of this, because of a statement that my father always reminds me of which was Jesus told husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church. If we take that literally that means suffering and dying for the other person. I don’t think many people associate love with suffering and dying for one another. It takes me back to Corinthians, which says “love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things. Love never ends.” This is such an explicit command for husbands. When God calls us to love our neighbors, to love people we need to remember this. It isn’t the falling in love, it is the loving action, but even more than loving only our neighbors this extends to all people, parents, siblings, spouses, children, etc. We cannot say that we are choosing to love people and forget what loving people actually means, which is simply put as sacrificing for one another. It never ends. It endures all things.

CG

On Covenants

*This past semester we were asked to keep a journal of our thoughts throughout the class, this is one of my entries*

​Today we talked a lot about covenants and there are a lot of reasons I am really passionate about this subject. We talked about how in Job in chapter 31 he made a covenants with his eyes, and in doing he was taking responsibility for his actions. I had never considered the idea of making a covenant with oneself. It is surprising now to see how many times this appears in the Bible with different ideas. When we look in Proverbs it says to not stir up or awaken love until the appropriate time. For emphasis Proverbs says this three times. Its once again talking about the responsibility you have to yourself to protect yourself. Similarly, when you get married, you are making a covenant before god and others to put this marriage above all things but God. It gives you the responsibility to take care of your marriage, to guard it, to tend it, to not give up on it. I mean we look at the covenant God made with the Israel. He chose to love them despite their brokenness and the fact that they kept leaving Him. The covenant was so important to God that he chose to overlook those things and continue to choose them over and over. I believe that marriage is not just a covenant with God and your spouse, but is a covenant with yourself.

CG

What My Husband taught Me About Christ

I had just finished explaining to my husband how I felt everyone in my life has expectations of me. Expectations I didn’t always understand or even know about. How I always felt exhausted, running around trying understand what everyone wants or needs from me before they asked.  How I just wanted to love him and make him happy.

Then he sat down next to me, our folded clothes surrounding us, and said, “Honey, I don’t expect anything from you. Do I want you to love me and spend time with me? Yes! But I’m here. I’ll always be here. You don’t have to ‘do’ anything to earn my love! You already have it.”

And as he was sitting there looking at me, God got ahold of my heart. There have been times in this past year I wondered why God gave me my husband. Why God saw fit to make me a wife, because, y’all, I am not good at it. Why did God think this was a good idea? It is for moments like these, where God, ever so lovingly, says “This, this is the reason.”

Because does He want me to love Him, spend my time with Him, and serve Him? Yes! But will He leave me or abandon me when I don’t? No! He is there. He shows up, and will continue to show up. Just like my husband.

CG

On Being a Bride

We’ll be married a year in May.

It’s taken me almost a year to allow myself to be the bride I always dreamed I would be. The bride that stayed up until 2AM just swapping secrets, sharing tears and laughter. Who enjoyed kissing and intimacy without being filled with self doubt and criticism.Who enjoyed where we were in the right now instead of trying to rush on to the future because the now was uncomfortable and scary. No one could have prepared me any more for marriage. No one could have predicted the doubts and fears my mind would tell my heart to believe. And yet, at times, I wished someone who could have seen into the future could have warned me. But maybe if they had, I would have been too scared to get married in the first place.

The “what if’s” were the loudest. What if I make him want to leave me? What if I decide this isn’t worth it 20 or 30 years down the road? What if I ruin his life? What if I decide loving and respecting my husband is choice I am unwilling to make? These fears went round and round my head until I was dizzy and confused. Until I was unsure of every decision we made as a couple. “Would we be bitter about this later?” Was a constant question of mine. I was scared to allow my husband to love and serve me for fear he would become embittered to me and our marriage. As if service was a bad thing. As if loving one another like Jesus called us to was somehow a bad thing.

Because that’s what I had seen modeled to me.

God used my husband to break down walls I didn’t even know I had. Slowly, and painfully. To bring me closer to His side. To “laugh at the days to come” (Proverbs 31.25). To stop comparing my life, my story, my love, to anyone but Christ who first loved me. God is using my marriage, my husband to help me to understand the beauty and peace in being a bride.

Sometimes I wish I would have understood what being a bride meant sooner. I missed out on so many “firsts” because I was so wrapped up in the fears and insecurities my mind was telling me were truth. But then, I suppose if I had been more alive, more aware, God would have given me a different story, when He wanted me to live this one. Maybe my story will be used to prepare another, or allow someone to have kindness and compassion for themselves in the midst of difficulty. In the midst of fears, doubts, and insecurities “Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go” (Joshua‬ ‭1:9‬). God is with you wherever you go. Into the darkest parts of your heart, into the scariest places in your mind, God will be with you.

And I suppose, almost a year into marriage isn’t too late to begin truly being a bride.

Yours truly,
CG

The Truth about The Gospel

I realized something recently. As in, tonight.

You see, I have taken up writing a gratitude journal. But before I start, I write Philippians 4.8 which says “Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable- if there is anything of excellence, or praise worthy - dwell on these things”. But you see, I struggled with this so much, because what can I find within myself that is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, or commendable within myself? Especially when I couldn’t see anything good within myself at all! And the truth was nothing! In moments like that, there really isn’t anything true, honorable, just, pure, lovely or commendable within myself. And that’s the point. God is. God is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely and commendable. He is freaking full of those things that are excellent and praise worthy.

The gospel isn’t that we’re so great, and we have our lives all together. The gospel is that God within us is great. God doesn’t need us to be awesome, He is awesome already! And sometimes He shines through us to make His glory more evident. I am a wreck, but God isn’t. And that’s the good news.

That’s all. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.
CG

The Bad ADHD Days

I woke up this morning fully of hope and good intentions to get a buttload of homework done. I couldn’t get anything done. I felt restless and agitated. I moved rooms, I sat in different places, I listened to music, I sat in silence, I gave myself “brain breaks”, I did my quiet time, I promised myself rewards, all to no avail. After suffering all day, I finally finished one assignment due at midnight. Which, my computer decided to freeze and delete (save everything to Word, my friends). So, I have a minor panic attack, and amazingly, turned it in on time. (Praise God). 

It used to be that when I got this way, I would muster up all the anger and self-hatred I could to push myself (sometimes) to accomplish things. But what I didn’t realize at the time was that the thoughts and words I was telling myself, my heart and my mind were storing up to beat me with later. These came out some as a Freshman in college, but I ignored any feelings that this was not right or okay. After all, these thoughts, words and feelings helped me to accomplish something. And I am a very big fan of accomplishing something. People don’t judge those who do something. People don’t cast stones at those who sit down and “just do it”. And I, like many, am a fan of not being judged. So I continued to speak as I always had.

I spoke terribly of myself, reminding myself that I was a piece of trash, not worthy of notice because there were days that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t make myself do anything. I was lazy, I was stupid. If I could just get over myself everything would be fine. ”Stop being such a drama queen”, “suck it up, you’re lucky you’re even here” are just a few things I would say to myself as I warred within. With these words come a depression and a despair I do not know how to put into words but to say that I beg for God to take me home so I no longer have to battle the words of death that choke me. These words that make me feel frozen in fear and unable to do anything but weep uncontrollably.

Very few, even to this day, have heard these voices come out. Let alone see the full force of them come out. After all, no one wants to see this depth of brokenness. So I kept it locked up. No one need know.

And then I got married.

I don’t know if you know this, but it’s, like, really hard to keep your brokenness And struggles from your spouse. If you didn’t, now you do. You’re welcome.

Nothing could have prepared my poor husband for the darkness and death he would see me go through within the first few months of our marriage as I struggled through an online class and work stress. After a particularly stressful night, filled hateful comments about myself, my husband sat me down. He explained how worried he was for me. I was ashamed. He had seen the ugliest part of myself. The part I proudly kept hidden away from the world. I was exposed. And it was that exposure that broke me. Because it hit me, if he knew, then God definitely knew. How hurt and broken God must have felt seeing the one He made and loves so much cursing and cutting herself down. I fought against the rising self-hatred and promised to work towards healthier ways of coping with my ADHD-bad-days-stress.

So what have I been doing to cope with the terrible days when I struggle to say anything nice about myself? Grace. A boatload. And giving myself the permission let go and admit that it’s just a bad day. And that’s okay. God loves me even if I epically fail every. Single. Class. Heck, even if I *gasp* drop out (wishful thinking, but a girl can dream). If I lost my job, God will still love me. If I threw the biggest temper tantrum in the history of the world. God? He would still love me. He can be annoying like that. And I am so very glad He is.

So why do I share this with you? I share to remind everyone, myself included, to be kind to people. We never know the secret battles people fight on a daily basis. And I share it to encourage my ADHD peeps out there who struggle to keep their head above water. I see you and I’m with you.

Love,
CG

Confession and Rambles about the New Year

Confession: sometimes, I miss childhood so bad it hurts. And in those times, I get worried that I’m missing out on what I already have, right in front of me. With the new decade ahead, I have been looking back on the previous years, especially recent years, and wondering what the future holds.

I haven’t updated this blog in a while, but since the last time I have, I got married. I have a dog. I’m still going to school, I have said my tearful goodbyes to the children’s shelter and have acquired a grown up, 9-5 job.These are all such big and wonderful things. And while I love this season, as hard as it has been, I just get so afraid sometimes... am I missing out on what is thinking about what was or what will be? It leads me to wonder, what will I miss from this season of my life? And what will I wish I had done?

Maybe it is because it is the new year, and everyone is still sharing precious moments from the year before. Or maybe because everyone has their new year’s resolution, but it has me wondering, what will I wish I did in a year? In 5 years? Or in a decade from now? Will I wish I had gone out with friends more and not been a married recluse? Will I have wished I had stayed in more? Read more books? Watched less TV? Gone on walks more? Traveled more? Or will I have simply wished I was kinder to myself and others?

I don’t know why, but this more than any other year of my life, I feel a pressure, an anxiety, to live my life to the fullest. The anxiety is so big, that out of fear, I avoided it. But still, I felt it. I feel a need to be present, and to share the love of my Savior in a way I never have before. Yet, in that fear and anxiety, there is also so much self-doubt. What if I miss those opportunities to love my husband, my dog, my family, my friend as I should have? What if I cannot do what I am called to do?

Yet I know, that if Jesus calls, he will equip. I know that God uses what is weak to shame the strong (1 Cor. 1.27), so who am I to say what I cannot do?

So until further notice, I will seek to be present and show love in every situation.

Kindness and compassion,

C.G.

P.S. maybe it was the lack of anxiety to be the best that I could be that made my childhood so magical? Maybe that is why Jesus calls us to be like the little children, more trust, less stress? Or maybe those are thoughts for a later date.

Today

A little about my job before I get into my story...

I started working at a shelter for foster care kids about a year and a half ago, at the beginning of my sophomore year in college. I have many crazy stories I could share, but for now, I am just going to talk about my day at work.

Today has been a rough day at work - not in a "someone went AWAL" way, but just in a crazy, exhausting kind of way. Ten minutes into my shift, our little 9yr old boy called for me to come down to the bathroom and I got to witness the water *just* beginning to spill over the sides, and him staring at me with shock an horror. Before I had a chance to deal with that, our 9yr old girl came to the stairs cry/whining as she wasn't feeling well and couldn't understand why we couldn't do things NOW. She needed her meds, he needed new pants, then dinner. After cleaning up dinner, I thought I might be able to take a few minutes to myself behind the desk, but both kids were begging for loving attention. Right when I think I might have time to go to the bathroom and clean up toilet water, our 14yr old boy walks in, goes down to his room and slams the door. An hour later, things have been resolved and I wave goodbye to his worker. I start our grumpy not-feeling-well little girl in the shower, thinking now I must get the meds done when 14yr old now tells me he didn't get dinner. So I start dinner for him. On the way to the med room, I realize little boy's eyes are red-rimmed and watery which is concerning to me because he is known to have seizures and the only give away is his eyes. So then I spend 20 minutes trying to make sure he's not about to have a seizure, then I quickly get the meds. At this point, though I have been checking up on little girl, continually reminding her to finish and get out, I am suddenly aware of the time, realizing she has been playing around in the shower for TWO HOURS. I quickly get up and hurry her out of the shower and wait to get her clothes on so I can get the bathroom because I forgot I needed to go at the beginning of the shift. After I got out of the bathroom it took another hour to get everyone in bed, leaving everyone but our 14yr old going to bed 30 minutes- an hour later than planned. All in all, it was an insane day... but I'm not sure I would trade it for the world. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find some gloves to clean up some toilet water.

... Then memorize a skit and write two papers. It's fine.

#ItsApril #MonthOfDeath

Until next time,

CG

Little Miss Control

My life has been a constant struggle of letting go and letting God. I want so much to love and honor God, but only within the bounds of what I feel comfortable with. Maybe that is why God is so constantly uprooting me to the most uncomfortable and painful places. Once I'm comfortable and have found my own, its time to move on.

My life is such a mystery, there is so much I don't know and don't understand. I often don't know why I am where I am until it is time to move on. I don't know what God is doing in my life, through my life, or around my life. It reminds me that the God I serve is so big and mysterious, there is no way I will ever truly understand Him. Isn't that what we women long to be? Beautifully mysterious? To be sought after for our mystery?

Yet when God calls me to do the same, to seek after Him when I do not understand, I get lazy. Or annoyed. I suppose this is where I struggle most in sin, I get desperate for that control and comfort I had, and seek it in myself and in the world. Because if He moves me so far outside of my comfort zone, I lose my control; my control over my surroundings, over my "image", and over my timing. I guess I don't want to know and seek after a God that is constantly pushing me to do and go places when I have no reassurance that I will be safe or taken care of, or, if I am totally honest with my selfish self, that I will be happy. Because God doesn't guarantee us that we will be safe, He guarantees us that He will be there when: when it happens, when you suffer, when you rejoice, He promises to be there.

He may still be mysterious and do things He won't explain, but He will be there. For the tears, the anger, the pain. I guess this is what I missed this summer: He never promised me He would give me a job, He never promised me instant healing, or that I'd always be my fine bubbly self. He promised to be there. But because I was scrambling for control over myself and my life, I missed it.

I might have missed one of the greatest summers of my life, seeking and knowing my Savior more, because I was holding on so tightly to how I thought things ought to be. Alas, God redeems. Whatever happens, He will be there. In all of His mystery, and in all of His glory, He will be there.

Signed, Little Miss Control,
CG

The Most Humbling Summer Ever

I have two weeks until I move back on campus and all the craziness of school will ensue. With this in mind, I have been considering the summer, in all of it's joys and pains. This summer, I lived in a house with some of my best friends rent free, I had no job, I was sleeping on a bed and mattress someone gave me, and when I drove, I was driving a car that was borrowed. Often I had to ask for rides. And by often, I mean, almost everyday. My room is currently lit by twinkle lights borrowed from a friend, and the majority of the food I ate? Was bought by friends. Do you have any idea how humbling and heart-breaking that can feel? For someone who loves working and providing for others, for someone who makes that her whole goal in life to not be able to provide for herself, let only others? It's agony.

I long so much to be of use to people, to love and to give of myself so others might know the love and grace of the Father. I want to be in a good place, financially, spiritually, and emotionally so I may in turn show the goodness that is in our world, that is in my God. This summer, I was in a lot of places, but good was rarely one of them. I have struggled with depression, self hatred and doubt, and the feeling God had left me. The belief that I had been left out in the cold by God, to face it all alone followed me, and I was positive that no one should have to deal with the misfortune of being around me.

Yet, I was constantly surrounded by God's goodness and faithfulness to me. But I found it a mockery. All these beautiful gifts given to me just seemed to me a constant reminder of my failure to care for myself, my friends, my family. "Look at her, she can't get a job, so she bums off her friends and family. She has no care for their worries, or how much she's costing them. She doesn't care, she doesn't see", "She has no idea what she's doing! And she calls herself an adult?! Doesn't she know she needs a job? Doesn't she know real adults take care of themselves?" These voices taunted, until I believed I was worthless, a piece of trash. I had an older relative greatly criticized for these very things, and if these people truly believed that about this person, why would they not think the same of me?

Have you ever been so brokenly depressed you could not move from your bed? Have you ever been so depressed you honestly thought that the world, your family, your friends, would be better off without you? Have you ever been so depressed you didn't see the point in looking for a job because no one would want to hire you anyway? Have you ever been so depressed you were convinced, convinced, that you were one step, one mistake away from all of your loved ones saying that you're a lazy nobody and walking away? Because I have. These are real thoughts that went through my head this summer, and though God has once again stepped in and reminded me of my worth, and who I am, that doesn't change the fact that I struggled with these thoughts.  I thought a great many of those things because I had heard many of those things said about that relative in the same position I was in. Sometimes I would daydream that I did die, leaving those people a letter explaining what their judgement had cost. Why judge them but not me? What makes me so different?

What gives any of us the right to condemn one another, or ourselves? We cannot understand the road someone walks, unless we have walked in their shoes,their heart, and mind, being plagued by the same doubts, heartaches and pain.
We cannot understand yet what we have left to do.  There are still things we must accomplish before we can go be where there is no more pain, no more sorrow. Let alone understand what anyone else has to do. God is still moving, God is still working.

Deserves it! I daresay he does. Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement. For even the very wise cannot see all ends. (Gandalf, J.R.R. Tolkien, The Shadow of the Past, The Fellowship of the Ring).

We, any one of us, could die any second. I could go on a walk tomorrow and be run over by a truck. You could die in your sleep. Do you really want to waste what time you might have left being hurt over past grievances, or judgments? Make it right now! We might not have tomorrow! 

God used this summer in a big and mighty way(s), because of this summer I got to truly experience the love of Jesus Christ in a new way. I was surrounded my friends who loved me in my darkest hour, that saw me through the storm. They did not just "pray" for a house, a home, to open up, they opened up their home to me. They did not just "pray" a bed into existence, they gave me one. They did not just "hope" and "pray" I was fed, they fed me. They drove me. They helped me. When I was in my greatest need, they were there. And they did not judge me. Most I'm sure had no idea what was going on with me, but that did not stop their love and grace. I have been humbled, my pride has been trampled, and I am grateful.Thankful. I am loved by the King of kings and He calls me His. He gave me a worth no one and nothing can steal.

Be aware that God is always moving, even if you can't see it, and He provides in mighty ways. Never, ever, ever, ever, underestimate your worth and all God has for you. Just because you can't see it now, doesn't mean you won't see it later. So test your feelings, surround yourself with people who love you and are willing to share the truth with you. And be careful what you say and what you think, for you may never know the role those who are hurting and down are meant to play in this great adventure called life.

Love God, Love People,
CG

So the eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” Or again, the head can’t say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” But even more, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are necessary. And those parts of the body that we think to be less honorable, we clothe these with greater honor, and our unpresentable parts have a better presentation. But our presentable parts have no need of clothing. Instead, God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the less honorable, so that there would be no division in the body, but that the members would have the same concern for each other. So if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it. (1 Corinthians 12. 21-26, HCSB)

Share with the saints in their needs; pursue hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep. Be in agreement with one another. Do not be proud; instead, associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own estimation. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Try to do what is honorable in everyone’s eyes. If possible, on your part, live at peace with everyone. ( Romans 12.13-18, HCSB)

My Perfect Little Self

I love moms, they are just the most wise, and real people ever. Even as a young girl, babysitting was my favorite, but just because little people are some of God's best gifts, and I love them to death, and it helps me forget how badly I want one right now. Though, yes that is a factor.... It was also because moms don't have it all together, and they rarely pretend they do. They don't pretend that they can fix all your problems, especially with kids. I remember one time two of my favorite moms left there four kids with me, a task I had done many times. the older two were probably four, and the younger two, were three or four months old. All went well until one of the babies' reminded the other that they were both hungry, no biggie, so I start feeding them when the toddlers come in and decide it would be a great idea to jump on the couch (an activity I knew wasn't allowed), but when I told them to get down, they ignored me. And again, normally this wouldn't be a problem, but I was feeding the two babies! I had no more arms left! Things continued to spiral out of control from there....

When the moms returned, things had settled down, and all the kids were asleep. They asked me how everything went, I was about to shrug it off, when it just came out. All of it. I had just finished and said tearfully, "now you'll never trust me to babysit again." The moms laughed! Actually laughed! Then gave me a hug and said, "is anyone dead?" shocked I replied "no."
"Was anyone bleeding?"
"No."
"And the kids are asleep?"
"Yes."
"Honey, that sounds like success  to me!" With those words both women proceeded to tell me much worse days that they had experienced as moms. I was never so glad I told the truth, those women ended up having more influence in my life because of that conversation. They were real, they were messy, they were honest, but above all, they were beautiful.

I was reminded of that day today as I was reading an article from a mom expressing her frustration with this "ideal mom" view she had pushed on herself. To be the "ideal mom" you must do clothe diapers, and all organic food, keep your kids clean, your kitchen clean, your laundry clean and folded, ect. and as I read it, I began to see myself in a new light. You see, just as this beautiful young mom and pushed perfection on herself, I had done the same. There are these ideas that I have about myself, and about this "perfect woman" I had hoped, and planned, to become. And I fall short. Very short of the expectations I have of myself. I must have a job, not just any job, but a good paying job, I must always be not only on time, but early, I must be kind, and always know what to say, and always be happy, and never suffer from depression or self-doubt, because that's not what my "perfect self" would do. I must make everyone happy, and never be angry. With anyone. Ever.

But the thing is, I'm not those things all the time. Maybe not ever... and maybe that's a thing... Would we every have funny stories if we were perfect? Would we have grace or understanding? And really, how would I bond with people? Haha today, I was late to go help a friend clean, I couldn't find my shirt for, at least 20 minutes. And when I was done cleaning, I accidentally spilt coffee down myself and my shirt and got sherbet on my elbow (don't ask me how, because I really don't know). I haven't gotten around to filling out my FASFA (and am scared, because I'm not really sure how to), have no idea how I'm going to pay for my books this next semester, let alone how to look up all the books I need. And really, how does one look for scholarships? So its clear, I am a mess. I have no idea what I'm doing, and honestly, I am really amazed that they let me have my licence as an adult. Oh wait, they don't do that... maybe that should be a thing.

I am not my perfect self, not even close.But maybe there's beauty in that. Maybe God never wanted me to be perfect, or to "fix" everything in my life. Maybe I can do just what those moms did for me, and love people best through the fact that I am a broken mess, who, by no account has it all figured out. Maybe God thinks I'm most beautiful broken, but real.Which leads me to the question, have I been real with those around me? Have I been real with God? I knew at one point or another I'd be broken "in a new way", but I had an idea of what that would look like, and it looked nothing like it is. I never, in my wildest dreams, imagined that I would struggle with getting things done, or being on time. But here we are, so I am choosing to be real with myself, and maybe it will spread outward. I am not perfect, I do not have it together, but you know what? Neither does anyone else. And you striving to be perfect? It's not pretty, it's not cool, it's not cute. There will be days when you don't know what to say. There will be days when you're late, or when you're angry. There will be days when you don't know what you're doing or how to deal with life. That's just how it is. So stop pretending. You are most beautiful when you are yourself, so be your beautifully messy self. And know that it's okay. Maybe you'll know what to say tomorrow, but until then, live in confidence. And as my dad would say, "give yourself some grace".

"I may be a mess, but I am a mess that Jesus loves",
C.G.

There Will Always Be A Way Through

This is for the days when you're broken, hurt, and pissed at God. You know the days, the one's where you and God had an agreement about who you were supposed to be, who they (whoever "they" may be) were suppose to be, what they were supposed to do, or how things were really supposed to go down. Except, somehow God seemed to have missed that meeting, what's up with that?

I, myself, have been having one of those days for the last several weeks. You see, things in my life are not the best right now. And that's okay, its better than so many others. And I'm not here to complain about it, but I am certainly not happy about it, and not really okay with it either. Because, honestly, I am not okay. And in this imaginary conversation/agreement I had with God, we agreed that I would be okay. Even while everything else felt like it was falling apart, I was supposed to be my bright and happy self, just laughing it off and remembering that this was all a part of some great, and beautiful, and grand adventure. Except it wasn't. Because some of it sucked, like really, really sucked. And hurt me in ways I didn't even know I could be hurt. And in that hurt, I made a lot of mistakes, which just hurt me more.

Who am I? Is it all my fault? It must be, because it can't be anyone else's fault. I can't be mad at anyone else, I don't want to be mad at anyone else, I just want everything to be as it was! And if I can't, well, then, I'm not sure I want it at all. Where is God? Does He even care that this is happening? I "know" He does, but then why can't I feel Him Close? WHERE IS HE?  Do I think I even know what really happened? These and many, many more questions have floated through my head over the past month, and each of those thoughts had many more emotions attached to them.Until I was aching, drowning in emotions.The point is not the pain or the questions, but what I have learned from truly exploring those questions and emotions (many of which I still have unanswered).

 I have learned to surround myself with amazing friends, the ones that love you unconditionally and remind you that, no, you cannot run away, but you are worthy and oh, so loved. I learned your mind, body, and soul are all connected. So if you have raging hormones going on right now, this may shock you, but it will effect you're mental and spiritual life. It's normal, so if you're wondering what's going on, and why you're not okay, sit down "and rethink your life", ask yourself what could be going on to cause this. Because it's not actually that likely that you're crazy, I mean, there is always that chance, but it's not that likely. I learned to give myself time to freaking grieve, life sucks sometimes, and if you don't let the suckiness of it all sink in, it will follow you until you do. But once you have gotten acquainted with your surroundings, your pain and suffering, don't stay there! Get up, listen to Firework by Katy Perry, and do something with your life, serve where you can. And don't expect too much from yourself, you are not going to save the world by tomorrow, not even by next week, but in the wise words of a dear friend,  "give what you can, it may depend on the day what you can give, but give what you can". Give what you can. Don't give up. And for heaven's sake stop comparing your pain, your suffering, your depression to everyone else's! My word.

God is opening up my eyes to stop belittling what I feel because it looks like someone else has it way harder and is dealing with it all so much better than me. Shut up and sit down self. You don't know their story, you don't know their walk in life. "'Child,' said the Lion, 'I am telling you your story, not hers. No one is told any story but their own.'" (The Horse and His Boy, C.S. Lewis) And everyone, I repeat everyone, responds differently to the depression and the overwhelming things going on in their lives. Give yourself some grace and stop freaking out about everyone else. John 21.21-23, read it. While you're at it, you might as well read verses 15-19. They're pretty rad.

 I am going to give you the saying that has kept me going for the last several weeks, "I may be a mess, but I am a mess that Jesus loves". I guess the most amazing part in all of this is that we can never be too much for God, even when we are too much for ourselves.Have you ever felt too much for yourself? I sure have, I have had so many nights feeling sorry for myself and my friends, because even I didn't want to be around me. But God was still there, is still here. Even if I can't see it or feel it. So as pissed off at the Jesus that loves me as I may be, it will never stop Him from loving me. Ha, that both encourages me, and ticks me off at the same time. But, you know, even if God did miss that meeting. The one where I explained how this all was going to go down, and even if that ticks me off to no end, I still believe, I still have hope. Even through the anger and hurt, I have hope... and even in moment's like these, where I cannot scrap up hope, I have knowing. That He's there, that He loves me, and that He will use all of this. This is not a waste of time or space. "There will always be a way through" (Aslan, The Magician's Nephew, C.S. Lewis). It may suck, but there will always be a way through. Things are not alright, and I'm not okay, but I have hope, I have knowing, that they will be. Someday. Maybe. And that day will be glorious, but until that day,  I will just have to look for the sun in the rain, and try and find my sense of adventure once more, (because life really is a grand adventure). So I will leave you with the words of Mr. Magorium, from Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, "Your life is an occasion. Rise to it".

C.G.

Nanny Life From Back In The Day

  9-22-15

I found an old Nanny Life post I had to share. This is something I wrote but never finished, so with further ado, Nanny Life....

Toddler's in the bath and baby is happily playing in the living room, as I sit in the hall watching both of them and enjoying my coffee. Ah, this is the life.

Two days ago Baby started crawling and yesterday she turned 6 months! Time is flying too fast guys, too fast! I realised today that Toddler is now tall enough to turn off the lights without standing on anything... Oh joy, (I kid) I think it's great that he's learning and growing but why do toddler have SUCH a fascination for turning the lights on and off?

Aw, Baby loves her big brother so much. She hasn't been feeling well and apparently felt lonely in the Living room but all she needed was to see her brother, I moved her to the hall with me and she's  just contented watching her brother play. 'Hearty eyes'

I love how much they love each other, I pray that relationship only grow, that, as My Little Pony sings, that he be her "big brother best friend"...

Sadly this is all I wrote as I probably had a baby emergency.
Until we meet again,
CG

P.S. I totally miss these days.

A Note to That Sweet Girl - College Life

                                                                                                                     2:27AM 1-17-17
Dear sweet girl on my hall,

I heard you weeping last night when I walked by your room, though you became silent and still when you heard my flip-flops flapping.
It broke my heart to hear you, knowing those tears came from a deep place. Probably one not many have seen or heard... but I heard. And I am praying. Know Jesus is near, He was there with you while you wept. He was with you while your heart was breaking. He was there, and He loves you. More than the moon and the stars, more than the sun He taught to shine, He loves you. He loves you so much He gave everything just for the chance that you might choose to love Him back. He wants to chance to be with you, to be yours.

Jesus sees all your broken pieces, you know the ones, those broken pieces you try to hide from everyone. All the rough edges that have cut before, and often continue to cut, if not into others, into you.The broken pieces that leave you feeling unloved, unlovable, too much, not enough. Those things you've done wrong or have been done to you. The ones that go around and around in your head. The ones that make you feel like you're going crazy.You know the broken pieces I'm talking about. Those are the ones that Jesus wants, not to be used against you, no; but to heal you, to make right, to give you peace. To "give you a hope, and a future" (Jeremiah 29.11 Holman Christian Standard).

God made you to be loved and to love. He made you to be pursued, to be wooed, but not just by anyone, by Him. The One who made every particle of your being. The One who knows every awful  thing you ever said or did, or that was said or done to you. He knows it, and He loves you. He wants you to trust Him, and give Him everything. All of it. Every awful word, every horrid deed. He wants to save you from it. To redeem you, and give you peace. So that one day, you might be able to look back and say "that was heartbreaking and awful, but God. But God is good and God is great, He was using this in my life. There is power in His name." You may never have any control over what happens to you, but you do have control over how you respond.

So, dear, sweet, brokenhearted girl, know that I am fighting for you the only way I know how, prayer. Hold onto Jesus, be vulnerable with the only One who can truly give you the peace, love, and understanding you crave.

Love,
Flip-Flops Girl
(CG)

Welcome Week College Life

Welcome week thus far has been loud, tiring, overwhelming and long. And there are SO. MANY. PEOPLE. (side note: is it many? Or much? I'm really not clear on that.)

As I write this, I am sitting on the floor in the middle of my messy dorm room. Which is still full of piles of stuff and boxes. BUT! I unpacked a box and one and a half suit cases! Yay me! I think this is my biggest accomplishment yet as I haven't completely memorize Karip, which I will do, and when I do, I have decided to be amazing at it. Let us all hope and pray that I accomplish more than that at my time at OBU. 

I have met so many fun people and even had some great conversations, I have listened to a professor speak about some awesome stuff, and laughed and screamed so loud at the skits tonight I nearly peed my pants.

Also, I don't have a trash can, or hand soap, but somehow seem to have double or triple of everything else. So that's good.

That's all for now.

From your college student,
CG

P.S. If any of you read this and want to come motivate me to unpack, you would be most welcome!

I have Decided to Follow Jesus

I have decided to follow Jesus;
I have decided to follow Jesus;
I have decided to follow Jesus;
no turning back, no turning back.

Though none go with me, I still will follow;
though none go with me, I still will follow;
though none go with me, I still will follow;
no turning back, no turning back.

My cross I'll carry, till I see Jesus;
my cross I'll carry, till I see Jesus;
my cross I'll carry, till I see Jesus;
no turning back, no turning back.

The world behind me, the cross before me;
the world behind me, the cross before me;
the world behind me, the cross before me;
no turning back, no turning back.


Because this song has gotten me through a lot.

C.G.

The Last Seven Months...

I realized something today. And it's that I did it. I really did it!

When I leave here in two weeks, I will have adulted successfully all by myself (almost quite literally sometimes) for the last seven  months. I've had to figure out how to pay bills, learn how to explain things to people so they can help me fix things when they go wrong, deal with things that needed to be dealt with (and not a second sooner, because I mean, come on, who does that?), make friends (it's a lot harder than I thought), and deal with things going wrong that were just out of my control.

In the last seven months I've experienced joy, pain, contentment, sadness, confusion, depression and joy all over again. Through everything though, has been my one Consistent, my Rock, my Safe Place, my Jesus, He has lovingly and faithfully seen me through these past months and I can say with more certainty than ever that I don't know what I would do without my faith, and without my relationship with Him.

And He has blessed me with SO many amazing friends, family, and coworkers! To you, thanks for helping answer all the questions like, "How do you do this?", "What am I doing?", "Am I doing this right?", "What is this?", "Can you help me?", "Why?", and, at times, just "What?", thanks for letting me vent, even if the thing I'm venting to you about makes you just as mad as I am (i.e. bills, the government, rude people, life), thanks for reminding my to laugh when I was having a hard time reminding myself, thanks for helping me be strong when I didn't feel it, and thanks for reminding me it's okay to cry, as long as you get right back up and keep swinging.  I hardly know what to say in regards to how much you  all mean to me, except to say that I love you all, and all of your love, your wisdom and your encouragement has meant the world to me. And in the words of Nacho Libre, "you the beeest."

So what's next for me you may ask? Well, I'm selling everything that won't fit in two  suit cases and in some amazing friend's attic (speaking of which, if anyone you is looking for a coffee table and two amazingly comfortable couches, let me know!) and moving back in with my parents for the summer, wherever and whatever they do. " Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God." - Ruth 1:16

And then, after an amazing summer of seeing my family and trusting God, I'm on to OBU! Or, for those of you who don't know what that is, Oklahoma Baptist University, to major in goodness knows what, right now it's Business (YAY!), but I could see myself easily changing it to, Education, History, Theology,  Psychology, or Counseling, in short, I just have too many options, or as my sweet, 3-year-old nephew calls them, "Op-chums".

After that? Who knows what! Maybe the world? But that's another chapter, for another day.

... This is all assuming I can get my house packed in the next two weeks...

Until next time,

C.G.

Lessons From Abram

It's terrifying to me how much I relate to this verse.
  
"The Lord had said to Abram, “Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you." - Genesis 12:1

 To even sort of begin to understand how terrifying this is to me you must understand 2 very basic things;
1. My family is, quite simply, the single most important thing in my life. They are my biggest fans, and best friends. Don't mess with them.
And 2. I hate change. it's right up there with sin, Satan, and smashing your toe (which has happened a surprising amount of times since I started my job... my poor toes can't take much more).

I, or rather, my parents have been called to many different places over the years, meaning leaving many different friends and amazing experiences, but opening up the opportunity for more friends and amazing experiences. And I, who as I said before, hates change, definitely had a hard time with that, but in the end, I never resented a moment. I grew a little more each place we lived. And I met AMAZING people.

Well, last year I decided to take the plunge into adulthood and move across the country and into my brother and sister-in-law's house and nanny their 2 most amazing, beautiful kids for them for at least 6 months. I had just started to adjust to the changes when my brother lost his job and found one very close to my family, 2 states away. Taking him and his beautiful family so very far away. I had a decision to make, I could do the terrifying thing, and stay here, far from my family, from the weather I knew (which is a bigger factor than you would think), and all the amazing people I knew, and try and see if I could get a job, and make it on my own. OR I could do the more simple and somewhat easier choice and move back home. I decided to stay.

I have been asked to move and leave a lot of things, but by far, living so far away from my family has been the hardest. I've known more loneliness since living here than I have ever known before.

All this to say, I fully understand exactly what God is asking of Abram, but that's not what's terrifying, what's terrifying is that I hear God calling me as well, "come, My Darling, far from all you've known, to a land you won't know, to a land I will show you."

It's terrifying, it's change. And worse, it's UNKNOWN change.... And yet, it's exciting at the same time, it's an adventure, and though there are so many unknowns, an adventure usually has a purpose, an over-arcing theme, to every story. So if my life is an adventure, then what is the over-arcing theme? Well, if I'm taking it from this verse, it would be to follow Christ, no matter the circumstances. Which, you'll notice, is repeated consistently throughout the Bible...

"Then he said to the crowd, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me." -Luke 9:23

“But Ruth said, “Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God.” -Ruth 1:16

"Now this He said, signifying by what kind of death he would glorify God And when He had spoken this, He said to him, "Follow Me!"" John 21:19

Following God is amazing in it's own right, I mean, you get a best friend guaranteed never to leave you, you have peace, even at the worst of times, you have Someone and Something to go to when you're lost and need advice (i.e. the best friend), but guys, check out how God promises to bless Abram if he does choose to follow Him;




“I will make you into a great nation, and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you.^" Genesis 12:2-3 

I don't know about you, but that sounds pretty exciting to me! He will bless me, making my name great? And those who bless me will be blessed? Sign me up! 

So the question remains, am I willing to risk it all on a whirlwind adventure into the unknown, trusting that God will catch me if and when I fall? Is the blessing worth what I'm giving up? Is the blessing worth the fall?

C.G.

I'm Not Dead, I'm Sunshine

An update on my life to all my amazing family and friends to show I still live and breath...

I have officially, and finally, gotten all my managers at my job to like me! Yay! This a great accomplishment as some of them really don't like liking people. I am getting more comfortable with all the different things I'm having to do on a daily basis. I am also getting more comfortable with the people I work with, they are all getting around to seeing me be me (i.e. random weird faces, odd noises, singing and dancing). They call me sunshine, (I can't express how much that makes my whole being happy).  I'm getting to know them a little more also, the drama queens, the lazy ones, the grumpy ones, the jokers, and the gossips, though I've seen them all be more or less all of those, sometimes at the same time, and sad to say, they've seen me be the same. Despite that, I love them, and I believe they return the feeling in kind.

Learning how to be a functioning adult is much harder that I had previously thought, mainly the finances, cooking, cleaning, eating, Bible studying parts, but everything else likes to jump in every once in a while just to check in. Despite all of that, God has remained faith, reminding me to follow and trust Him in my life, and let me tell you, He has moved more unmovable stuff for me in the last 3 months than I ever thought possible. If there is one word I want this year to be, it would be Trust, to Trust God with all my problems, concerns, and heart. He is always so, so good! And I am so, so thankful.

One way God has blessed me, is with an amazing roommate. She is so awesome, she puts up with my messy, sloppy ways, understands that I am a ridiculously forgetful being, and pretends that I don't wake her up in the morning when I stubble out of my bed to make coffee, and somehow manage to slam every door there is in the house a least twice on my way. I am so thankful for her.

I am learning that finding real friends as an adult is much harder than when you're a kid... of course, this may just be me, hahaha right when there seems promise of a close friend, I get nervous, which, for some un-explainable reason, makes me awkward, and unable to speak English. Amazingly enough, though this happens often, I've met a few amazing individuals that seem to be willing to put up with this annoying little quirk. This is actually quite exciting.

Now though this update has been fairly upbeat, there are a few ways you can pray for me,
That God continues to be the first in my life.
That through Him I would continue to learn and grow.
That my finances would continue to 1. sort themselves out and 2. that they would grow.
That God would use me as a light for all those around me to find Him.
And that I would keep going, keep working, keep following God in a way that is pleasing and honoring to Him. "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us." -Hebrews 12:1

Thank you all for being so amazing, loving, and encouraging, I love you all so, so much!

Your sunshine signing off,

C.G.

Independence, I Finally Get It...

Independence, by definition, means to be self-ruled, self-reliant, and self-sufficient. It means self-determined, and in my case, separated from those I love most.

I finally understand the 30-year-old men living in their mother's basement. I really, really do, I have played with that idea many times of moving back into my own parent's basement, where I would either meet the man of my dreams and move on with him, or live the remainder of my pitiful life.

Because, you see, I finally understand the fear that you suddenly have when you become an adult, it doesn't matter if you've been self-reliant, self-determined, and self-ruled for years, you suddenly realize it's make it or break it time and you are so sure you're going to break it.

 If you don't get that job you are going to starve, if you don't get that job, you'll not be able to pay you're rent, which will in the end, having you living out of a drafty-cardboard-box on the side of a street. Oh, and better be real careful with that money or you may just one day not have enough for groceries and will just have to skip meals so you don't eat it all before your next paycheck.

You suddenly have all this responsibility, you're all on your own, and you have no idea what on God's sweet earth you're doing. Nothing can help prepare this for you. I've spent more time than I care to admit, wondering if this is all worth it.

But the thing is, if we never allow ourselves to get off our butts in our mom's basement and go and go and do something with our lives, we will never allow ourselves to experience all the other amazing things life has in store for us, for example, friends, life lessons, learning something new, getting something right after falling on our butts a 100 times, and just experiencing that even though life can suck pretty bad,  it can also have some freaking awesome-sauce stuff too.

Courage, definition, the ability to do something that frightens one. Or, strength in the face of pain or grief.

Don't allow fear to make you miss out on all you can do, all you can experience. Put on your big girl pants and deal with it, because you can do this. I believe in you.

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all." - That one guy from The Princess Diaries

CG

Nanny Life, Oh the Poop, Oh the Tears

Today I have yet another crazy Toddler tale, to fully understand this story, you have to understand that Toddler is being potty-trained.

It was right after lunch, I was slightly distracted with answering messages, when I asked Toddler to go sit on the potty chair, he says he doesn't need to, grunts, then runs to the bathroom, I hear him sit on the potty. Yay! Victory, right?!

No. No victory for the Nanny. Toddler comes running out saying he really doesn't need to go potty and continues playing, now this is what got me later, I was planning to get up and put him back on the potty chair, but I decided to finish writing a sentence first, had I not done that, this story, this
toddler tale, probably would never have happened. But, no, alas, I decided to finish that sentence. Guys, it only took that sentence.

I look up, surprised to not see Toddler, later, I remembered hearing him running off, but then, all I heard was what every potty-training parent or nanny dreads hearing... grunting, and grunting not coming from the bathroom.

I ran, and it was a run that was made of nightmares, you know the ones where you can't get to something fast enough, either your legs are made of led or all time slows down except that thing. In this instant, it was the latter, every time I think back on it, I still feel the time slow.

By the time I arrive, so has the poop, and Toddler is looking down at his sagging underwear in mere disbelief. I remember yelling some sort of exclamations about getting to the bathroom, thinking there still has to be time, yet knowing there's not. The next thing I remember is yelling that we have to get Toddler's underwear off (there was a lot of unintentional yelling that happened). Toddler insisted on getting his underwear off by himself which caused the poop to roll right off his underwear, and onto the rug and floor that had been cleaned not 2 days previously.

It is at this point I am ashamed to say, I lost it, I became so angry, at myself, at the poop, at the stupid underwear that didn't keep the poop in it, it was all just too much, and I began yelling angrily at the poop, saying, "CRRRAAAPP! CRAP! STUPID! CRAP! STUPID, STUPID! CRAP! STUPID CRAP!" And promptly started crying, and the only thing that drove my to calm myself was that Toddler was sitting on the potty-chair looking baffled and slightly concerned about me. I calm myself enough to be able to see through my tears, grab some toilet paper, and pick up the HUGE ball of poop and drop it in the toilet, did I mention it was huge? Because it was, it was quite literally as big as my palm. It was huge.

After Toddler was done on the potty chair, I was trying to clean him up as best I could with wipes when he suddenly bursts out "you went 'whaa, whaaa'" 'makes crying noise' "for a LONG time." I was so started by what he said that it took me second to even process it. And then I started laughing and couldn't stop for some time. Toddler, hearing and seeing me laugh, grins charmingly and starts to repeat it over and over.

And time went on...

Toddler got a bath, the bathroom got a good scrubbing, and I got a funny story. Haha toddlers are so full of adventure, you never know what will happen from day to day. I love it.... And hate it.

Wishing you happiness and sunshine,

CG

P.S.

It's been a while since I've posted something, lots of things have caused this, not enough time, too much on my mind, but most of all, this inability to say anything that in anyway makes sense, or matters at all. So to those of you who have read on a regular basis, my apologies.

And apologies, because this may be my very last Nanny Life post. My life as a nanny is sadly coming to an end very soon, and I may be too busy to update you all before it does. Love- CG

Wisdom from My Grandpa

Recently, my Grandfather has been sending his children and grandchildren emails filled with scripture and wisdom, his latest is too great not to share...

Descisions

What are you looking for? This is a question that you need to ask yourself almost daily. If you can’t answer this question about each situation that you face you are not ready to make an intelligent decision. It is like this, “If you don’t where you want to go then any Bus will take you.”  One wise man asked his son, “What are you going to do when you get out of high school?”  The boy told him, “I am going to college.” The father asked, “then what?”  The boy answered, “I’m going to make a lot of money and save a lot of the money I make.” The father said, “then what?”  “I’m going to marry and have a nice house and a car and raise a family.” “Then what” said the father.  “I will have enough money to have a great retirement and travel and see the world.” Again the father said, “then what.”  “I guess I will die at a nice old age.” The father said to his son, “then what?” The boy said, “I have no idea what will happen after death.” The father said to his son, “you are not prepared to live if you have not prepared to die.”

          “My child, learn what I teach you and never forget what I tell you to do. Listen to what is wise and try to understand it.   Yes, beg for knowledge; plead for insight. Look for it as hard as you would for silver or some hidden treasure. If you do, you will know what it means to fear the LORD and you will succeed in learning about God. It is the LORD who gives wisdom; from him come knowledge and understanding. He provides help and protection for those who are righteous and honest. He protects those who treat others fairly, and guards those who are devoted to him. If you listen to me, you will know what is right, just, and fair. You will know what you should do.  You will become wise, and your knowledge will give you pleasure”  Proverbs 2:1-10

The Antisocial Problem

So I am a very social person. Like really. I like people a lot. But on occasion, I get in this mood where I don't want to see or talk to anyone, sometimes, not even my closest friends.. 'Gasp' I know, it's weird for me, right?

And I felt this way. All. Week. And I had to work and see people. All. Week. So I was REALLY looking forward to this Saturday when I could just lay around, sleep, not brush my teeth, or even see anybody. I could literally lock myself in my room and sleep all day. Did you get that? All day! When does this ever happen?! Never! That's when!

Needless to say, I've been looking forward to day for a long time, and I get to today and you know what happens? My body wakes me up. So I get up and get myself coffee and lay around. This is going to be great. So exciting! But after a couple of hours of doing that, I don't want a nap, I don't want to read a book, I don't want to journal or watch TV, Nnnooo, you know what I want to do? I want to freaking see people! The real life people you have to actually interact with! What is this?! Nnnooooooooo! Why?! Why on the one day I get to NOT see people do I want to see people?!

'Sigh' life. It gets you where it hurts.

Guess I'll try it for a couple more hours and see if it takes, if not, I guess I'll just have to get up and take a shower. Bummer.

Later gator,

CG

First Time Pilates

Before starting, I want you to know this is about to get so real, you will hear just about every embarrassing moment of this experience.

So first off, I totally misjudged the time it would take me to get there and get in, so when I get there, everyone's already doing their thing. So I sneak in, grab a mat and try to look like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

Now when I think of Pilates, I think of cute plump old ladies, and cute, hip, skinny girls that drink Lattés on a regular basis. I am neither of these things, I don't even like Lattés! So there's 3 middle-aged ladies, a couple cute hip girls (who showed off the whole time), 2 guys, and a sweet-looking old lady.

So, um, like, what were guys doing in Pilates? I mean, seriously? Can't a girl make embarrassing Pilates mistakes without having the opposite sex in the same room?

I shake off these discouraging thoughts and try to listen to the instructor, only problem is I can't hear her, there's a fan going at the side of the room and the speak above me is playing music that has never been so loud (luckily, it was mostly good music) it's like she's mumbling, I know she's not, but that's what I hear.

And guys? Pilates is HARD! I was grunting louder than the middle-aged lady who was next to me! And she was more out of shape than I was! It was so hard, and it was so frustrating getting every move wrong, it made me angry, so angry I was actually motivated to go workout. I swear I nearly walked out of there. Several times.

So, anyway, I'm letting the anger fuel my motivation to get through, when we do a downward dog, and I notice, oh no. My shirt is too short and too loose, every time I put my body parallel to the ground you get to see all my rolls. Now, this wouldn't be a problem, but there are mirrors all around the room. Oh great, what else can people see?! I stop what I doing immediately and drop to my knees, and my fashion sense winces in pain as I tuck my shirt into my leggings. It still hurts my heart talking about this now.

I spend the rest of the time trying to not groan too loudly, whilst trying to hear the girl up front, and not die from humiliation of having a shirt tucked into leggings.

All and all, I'm just not sure I like being in that much pain without hitting or kicking something... though I might try it a time or 2 more just to be sure. I don't give up that quickly, after all.

CG

Nanny Life, Mr. Toddler

Today is the first time in weeks Toddler has let me sing him to sleep, he's so cute and peaceful now, with every blanket he owns on top of him,  I swear it's not that cold in the house, but he insisted. He's so great, he's so laid back but at the same time he must have everything just so or else it's ruined, he wants the things he cares about to be perfect, and to me, that's beautiful. Haha though aggravating at times.

I love it when he laughs, he has the best laugh! I love when he's trying to get your attention or convince you of something, he gets really close to your face, as if that makes what he's saying right.

 I love how he thinks his broom is actually a guitar that he uses like a drum.

I love how when he's being silly, he'll squint his eyes and scrunch up his nose when he's talking to you.

I love how much he loves his little sister. He thinks she's like the most perfect thing in the world, and he always wants everything to be perfect for her, even if he doesn't always like to share. I hope and pray that they are always as devoted and loving to each other as they are now.

I love how much he loves to wrestle  and play.

I love how after his naps, he kind of melts into your arms like butter.

I love that he loves learning and is so curious about everything, so many questions and sometimes not enough answers. I love all the things he's learning, songs and letters, numbers and counting.

 This boy is growing up and it's great and beautiful and oh so bittersweet.

I pray that he grows into a strong and courageous man, fiercely loving God and his family. I pray he seeks after God with everything he has in him. I pray that he be known for lifting others up with his words and his actions, may he be purposeful in his life, and may he be blessed in every way. Because he's amazing and no one knows it better than our great God.

CG

Tired, Happy and Blessed

9-15-15

My days are starting to run together, I'm so tired and I can't seem to remember anything. This last Sunday, I laid on the floor and fell asleep within minutes, I have never fallen asleep on the floor before. That's how tired I am.

But I'm so happy. Everything is starting to feel like home, the town, the house, my job. I don't know what happened, but, one day I was looking down the hallway and I just felt a sense of endearment for that hallway, as if I would miss it if it weren't there, and as I looked around the house I just felt so happy, so glad to be here. I am in a truly beautiful place with beautiful people. I am truly blessed.

I do miss my family I left behind, I keep thinking of things I want tell my Dad, from Prayer Time to jokes no one would get but him, and I find myself watching and listening to videos I made of my niece over and over again just to hear her voice or see her face. But life moves on, and everyday it gets a little easier, after all, who can stand to be sad when you have all the amazing opportunities I do?

Life is so good. God is so good.

But it's late and like I said, I'm tired so TTFN.

CG

Me and The Silly Person

(Last week's post)

I recently moved to a new state and started nannying for my brother and sister-in-law. And for some crazy reason, I thought this would be one of the easiest things I had done. This is far from true, matter a fact, I would say the opposite was true. This is the hardest thing I've ever done.

This is the first time I ever moved without my family, my parents, by my side. This is the first time I have to choose a church by myself, the first time I have no one giving me an opinion on where things should go, or how I should do things, or how I should get involved, I have to motivate myself now. I am adulting on my own now. It's terrifying, and awesome, and awful all in one.

And yesterday, I realised something that has made this all the more painful, you see, I realised I had become silly.

Now to those who know me even the least bit, this sounds ridiculous, of course I'm silly, I'm like the queen of silly and I know it. I own it, really.

But this is a very different kind of silly, I became the silly person who forgets what they know about themselves, who forgets who God is, and only believes what they think they know everything about, their feelings, and the world. I became that silly person who was waiting to be told by some other human being, who is probably just as hurt and broken as I am, what I am worth.

I became a silly person I didn't even recognise, the things I said and did I was shocked and horrified by, but the kicker, the thing that finally made me realise what I had become, was when I finally opened my Bible and turned to God, the things I had underlined I just barely remembered, it didn't feel like my handwriting, it didn't feel like my Bible.

Just like that, I had let the most amazing, most passion filled thing in my life slip away. And I was left with a question, how do you even begin to get that back?

My best guess is prayer, God's Word, and fellowship. And once I integrate the first 2 in my life, I figure the 3rd will just come naturally.

I can't wait to see what God has in store for me on this journey.

So until next time.

CG

Nanny Life, What is Nap Time?

When was the last time these kids had a nap? Yesterday? The day before that? Last week? I honestly don't remember, all I know is no one is sleeping, not even close! Baby is playing quietly next to me, and Toddler is throwing toys over his gate in the next room. Depending on the day, nap time can be my favourite time ever, or my worst nightmare.

I am constantly amazed by that I basically have my dream job and am yet stressed out the majority of the time, why is that I wonder?

Anyway, back to nap time, I think that if I could get the kids to go to sleep at the same time, for the same amount of time, for a whole week, I would write it on my callander and celebrate every year like the Hebrews and the Passover, wait, isn't that for a whole month? I don't remember. Is it sacrilegious to be comparing nap time to the Passover? Probably.

But really, nap time is very, very important.

Okay, choosing to count blessings here, no one is screaming, or crying. God is good. Like, really. If I wasn't helping Baby sit up, I'd probably do a happy dance for joy.

And really, this has gotta be one of the best jobs ever. I mean, seriously, I haven't showered in days (which might not actually be something to be proclaiming to the world, but hey! At least I have a job where that doesn't matter.) I never have to put on presentable clothes, and yesterday, me and Toddler literally cuddled on the couch and read books. All. Day. You can't beat that!

... Wait, is it quiet, or is it just me?

Yep, right on schedule, toddler fell asleep right when he was supposed to be getting up. 'Sigh' what can you do?

Haha Baby is all smiles 'happy face' she keeps looking at the window and smiling these huge smiles. Haha

Anywho, back to life.

TTFN,

CG

Nanny Life, When Magic Strikes The House

There's a certain magic that rains over the house when life gives you the gift of naps, especially long, and beautiful naps. Mothers, nannies, and just about anyone who deals with young children for long periods of time understand this. It's so beautiful, it almost makes you believe in fairies. You find yourself tiptoeing through the house, afraid that the spell might break.

That magic was on this house today. And I am quite sure I noticed some pixie-dust on the floor as I tiptoed by the Toddler's room. Ssshhh... Don't let the spell break.

CG

Nanny Life, Hours to kill and Crayon Thoughts

Both Toddler and Baby are asleep. And it's only 1:20. Muhahaha. Quiet alone time all by myself. Got my Bible, my journal, and the 12 books I started and haven't finished yet. And at least (God willing) for 3, if not 4 beautiful hours. Oh, life is sweet.

Random thought, how long is the life of a crayon? If not used, could a crayon last forever? But a crayon not used is a waste of life, that crayon was made to achieve dreams and goals of children and adults alike.  We want crayons to live full lives, not necessarily a long life, but definitely  full life, full of adventure and imagination and... colours.

Being a crayon must be great, you get colourful and cool, and help along a person's imagination, "help colour their world" so to speak. And when you break, there's two of you!

It would be so interesting to be a crayon. #CrayonLife

So... what was I doing before? Oh yeah, 12 books, freedom, and kissing and cuddling Baby who decided to join me halfway through this post because she's not really tired, even though she is.

TTFN

CG