The Decision to Love

*This past semester we were asked to keep a journal of our thoughts throughout the class, this is one of my entries*

​I once read a book that stated “But falling in love is different. Falling is a feeling. Loving is a decision. You can fall in love with a lot of people, but you don’t have to make a commitment to them.” This quote has stuck with me through the years, because of the truth of it. Love is not always rainbows and unicorn and is more often than not hard, frustrating, and challenging, which of course many people know, but many people do not understand the depth of love that God calls us to have. I’m reminded of this, because of a statement that my father always reminds me of which was Jesus told husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church. If we take that literally that means suffering and dying for the other person. I don’t think many people associate love with suffering and dying for one another. It takes me back to Corinthians, which says “love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things. Love never ends.” This is such an explicit command for husbands. When God calls us to love our neighbors, to love people we need to remember this. It isn’t the falling in love, it is the loving action, but even more than loving only our neighbors this extends to all people, parents, siblings, spouses, children, etc. We cannot say that we are choosing to love people and forget what loving people actually means, which is simply put as sacrificing for one another. It never ends. It endures all things.

CG

On Covenants

*This past semester we were asked to keep a journal of our thoughts throughout the class, this is one of my entries*

​Today we talked a lot about covenants and there are a lot of reasons I am really passionate about this subject. We talked about how in Job in chapter 31 he made a covenants with his eyes, and in doing he was taking responsibility for his actions. I had never considered the idea of making a covenant with oneself. It is surprising now to see how many times this appears in the Bible with different ideas. When we look in Proverbs it says to not stir up or awaken love until the appropriate time. For emphasis Proverbs says this three times. Its once again talking about the responsibility you have to yourself to protect yourself. Similarly, when you get married, you are making a covenant before god and others to put this marriage above all things but God. It gives you the responsibility to take care of your marriage, to guard it, to tend it, to not give up on it. I mean we look at the covenant God made with the Israel. He chose to love them despite their brokenness and the fact that they kept leaving Him. The covenant was so important to God that he chose to overlook those things and continue to choose them over and over. I believe that marriage is not just a covenant with God and your spouse, but is a covenant with yourself.

CG

What My Husband taught Me About Christ

I had just finished explaining to my husband how I felt everyone in my life has expectations of me. Expectations I didn’t always understand or even know about. How I always felt exhausted, running around trying understand what everyone wants or needs from me before they asked.  How I just wanted to love him and make him happy.

Then he sat down next to me, our folded clothes surrounding us, and said, “Honey, I don’t expect anything from you. Do I want you to love me and spend time with me? Yes! But I’m here. I’ll always be here. You don’t have to ‘do’ anything to earn my love! You already have it.”

And as he was sitting there looking at me, God got ahold of my heart. There have been times in this past year I wondered why God gave me my husband. Why God saw fit to make me a wife, because, y’all, I am not good at it. Why did God think this was a good idea? It is for moments like these, where God, ever so lovingly, says “This, this is the reason.”

Because does He want me to love Him, spend my time with Him, and serve Him? Yes! But will He leave me or abandon me when I don’t? No! He is there. He shows up, and will continue to show up. Just like my husband.

CG

On Being a Bride

We’ll be married a year in May.

It’s taken me almost a year to allow myself to be the bride I always dreamed I would be. The bride that stayed up until 2AM just swapping secrets, sharing tears and laughter. Who enjoyed kissing and intimacy without being filled with self doubt and criticism.Who enjoyed where we were in the right now instead of trying to rush on to the future because the now was uncomfortable and scary. No one could have prepared me any more for marriage. No one could have predicted the doubts and fears my mind would tell my heart to believe. And yet, at times, I wished someone who could have seen into the future could have warned me. But maybe if they had, I would have been too scared to get married in the first place.

The “what if’s” were the loudest. What if I make him want to leave me? What if I decide this isn’t worth it 20 or 30 years down the road? What if I ruin his life? What if I decide loving and respecting my husband is choice I am unwilling to make? These fears went round and round my head until I was dizzy and confused. Until I was unsure of every decision we made as a couple. “Would we be bitter about this later?” Was a constant question of mine. I was scared to allow my husband to love and serve me for fear he would become embittered to me and our marriage. As if service was a bad thing. As if loving one another like Jesus called us to was somehow a bad thing.

Because that’s what I had seen modeled to me.

God used my husband to break down walls I didn’t even know I had. Slowly, and painfully. To bring me closer to His side. To “laugh at the days to come” (Proverbs 31.25). To stop comparing my life, my story, my love, to anyone but Christ who first loved me. God is using my marriage, my husband to help me to understand the beauty and peace in being a bride.

Sometimes I wish I would have understood what being a bride meant sooner. I missed out on so many “firsts” because I was so wrapped up in the fears and insecurities my mind was telling me were truth. But then, I suppose if I had been more alive, more aware, God would have given me a different story, when He wanted me to live this one. Maybe my story will be used to prepare another, or allow someone to have kindness and compassion for themselves in the midst of difficulty. In the midst of fears, doubts, and insecurities “Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go” (Joshua‬ ‭1:9‬). God is with you wherever you go. Into the darkest parts of your heart, into the scariest places in your mind, God will be with you.

And I suppose, almost a year into marriage isn’t too late to begin truly being a bride.

Yours truly,
CG

The Truth about The Gospel

I realized something recently. As in, tonight.

You see, I have taken up writing a gratitude journal. But before I start, I write Philippians 4.8 which says “Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable- if there is anything of excellence, or praise worthy - dwell on these things”. But you see, I struggled with this so much, because what can I find within myself that is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, or commendable within myself? Especially when I couldn’t see anything good within myself at all! And the truth was nothing! In moments like that, there really isn’t anything true, honorable, just, pure, lovely or commendable within myself. And that’s the point. God is. God is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely and commendable. He is freaking full of those things that are excellent and praise worthy.

The gospel isn’t that we’re so great, and we have our lives all together. The gospel is that God within us is great. God doesn’t need us to be awesome, He is awesome already! And sometimes He shines through us to make His glory more evident. I am a wreck, but God isn’t. And that’s the good news.

That’s all. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.
CG

The Bad ADHD Days

I woke up this morning fully of hope and good intentions to get a buttload of homework done. I couldn’t get anything done. I felt restless and agitated. I moved rooms, I sat in different places, I listened to music, I sat in silence, I gave myself “brain breaks”, I did my quiet time, I promised myself rewards, all to no avail. After suffering all day, I finally finished one assignment due at midnight. Which, my computer decided to freeze and delete (save everything to Word, my friends). So, I have a minor panic attack, and amazingly, turned it in on time. (Praise God). 

It used to be that when I got this way, I would muster up all the anger and self-hatred I could to push myself (sometimes) to accomplish things. But what I didn’t realize at the time was that the thoughts and words I was telling myself, my heart and my mind were storing up to beat me with later. These came out some as a Freshman in college, but I ignored any feelings that this was not right or okay. After all, these thoughts, words and feelings helped me to accomplish something. And I am a very big fan of accomplishing something. People don’t judge those who do something. People don’t cast stones at those who sit down and “just do it”. And I, like many, am a fan of not being judged. So I continued to speak as I always had.

I spoke terribly of myself, reminding myself that I was a piece of trash, not worthy of notice because there were days that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t make myself do anything. I was lazy, I was stupid. If I could just get over myself everything would be fine. ”Stop being such a drama queen”, “suck it up, you’re lucky you’re even here” are just a few things I would say to myself as I warred within. With these words come a depression and a despair I do not know how to put into words but to say that I beg for God to take me home so I no longer have to battle the words of death that choke me. These words that make me feel frozen in fear and unable to do anything but weep uncontrollably.

Very few, even to this day, have heard these voices come out. Let alone see the full force of them come out. After all, no one wants to see this depth of brokenness. So I kept it locked up. No one need know.

And then I got married.

I don’t know if you know this, but it’s, like, really hard to keep your brokenness And struggles from your spouse. If you didn’t, now you do. You’re welcome.

Nothing could have prepared my poor husband for the darkness and death he would see me go through within the first few months of our marriage as I struggled through an online class and work stress. After a particularly stressful night, filled hateful comments about myself, my husband sat me down. He explained how worried he was for me. I was ashamed. He had seen the ugliest part of myself. The part I proudly kept hidden away from the world. I was exposed. And it was that exposure that broke me. Because it hit me, if he knew, then God definitely knew. How hurt and broken God must have felt seeing the one He made and loves so much cursing and cutting herself down. I fought against the rising self-hatred and promised to work towards healthier ways of coping with my ADHD-bad-days-stress.

So what have I been doing to cope with the terrible days when I struggle to say anything nice about myself? Grace. A boatload. And giving myself the permission let go and admit that it’s just a bad day. And that’s okay. God loves me even if I epically fail every. Single. Class. Heck, even if I *gasp* drop out (wishful thinking, but a girl can dream). If I lost my job, God will still love me. If I threw the biggest temper tantrum in the history of the world. God? He would still love me. He can be annoying like that. And I am so very glad He is.

So why do I share this with you? I share to remind everyone, myself included, to be kind to people. We never know the secret battles people fight on a daily basis. And I share it to encourage my ADHD peeps out there who struggle to keep their head above water. I see you and I’m with you.

Love,
CG

Confession and Rambles about the New Year

Confession: sometimes, I miss childhood so bad it hurts. And in those times, I get worried that I’m missing out on what I already have, right in front of me. With the new decade ahead, I have been looking back on the previous years, especially recent years, and wondering what the future holds.

I haven’t updated this blog in a while, but since the last time I have, I got married. I have a dog. I’m still going to school, I have said my tearful goodbyes to the children’s shelter and have acquired a grown up, 9-5 job.These are all such big and wonderful things. And while I love this season, as hard as it has been, I just get so afraid sometimes... am I missing out on what is thinking about what was or what will be? It leads me to wonder, what will I miss from this season of my life? And what will I wish I had done?

Maybe it is because it is the new year, and everyone is still sharing precious moments from the year before. Or maybe because everyone has their new year’s resolution, but it has me wondering, what will I wish I did in a year? In 5 years? Or in a decade from now? Will I wish I had gone out with friends more and not been a married recluse? Will I have wished I had stayed in more? Read more books? Watched less TV? Gone on walks more? Traveled more? Or will I have simply wished I was kinder to myself and others?

I don’t know why, but this more than any other year of my life, I feel a pressure, an anxiety, to live my life to the fullest. The anxiety is so big, that out of fear, I avoided it. But still, I felt it. I feel a need to be present, and to share the love of my Savior in a way I never have before. Yet, in that fear and anxiety, there is also so much self-doubt. What if I miss those opportunities to love my husband, my dog, my family, my friend as I should have? What if I cannot do what I am called to do?

Yet I know, that if Jesus calls, he will equip. I know that God uses what is weak to shame the strong (1 Cor. 1.27), so who am I to say what I cannot do?

So until further notice, I will seek to be present and show love in every situation.

Kindness and compassion,

C.G.

P.S. maybe it was the lack of anxiety to be the best that I could be that made my childhood so magical? Maybe that is why Jesus calls us to be like the little children, more trust, less stress? Or maybe those are thoughts for a later date.