On Being a Bride

We’ll be married a year in May.

It’s taken me almost a year to allow myself to be the bride I always dreamed I would be. The bride that stayed up until 2AM just swapping secrets, sharing tears and laughter. Who enjoyed kissing and intimacy without being filled with self doubt and criticism.Who enjoyed where we were in the right now instead of trying to rush on to the future because the now was uncomfortable and scary. No one could have prepared me any more for marriage. No one could have predicted the doubts and fears my mind would tell my heart to believe. And yet, at times, I wished someone who could have seen into the future could have warned me. But maybe if they had, I would have been too scared to get married in the first place.

The “what if’s” were the loudest. What if I make him want to leave me? What if I decide this isn’t worth it 20 or 30 years down the road? What if I ruin his life? What if I decide loving and respecting my husband is choice I am unwilling to make? These fears went round and round my head until I was dizzy and confused. Until I was unsure of every decision we made as a couple. “Would we be bitter about this later?” Was a constant question of mine. I was scared to allow my husband to love and serve me for fear he would become embittered to me and our marriage. As if service was a bad thing. As if loving one another like Jesus called us to was somehow a bad thing.

Because that’s what I had seen modeled to me.

God used my husband to break down walls I didn’t even know I had. Slowly, and painfully. To bring me closer to His side. To “laugh at the days to come” (Proverbs 31.25). To stop comparing my life, my story, my love, to anyone but Christ who first loved me. God is using my marriage, my husband to help me to understand the beauty and peace in being a bride.

Sometimes I wish I would have understood what being a bride meant sooner. I missed out on so many “firsts” because I was so wrapped up in the fears and insecurities my mind was telling me were truth. But then, I suppose if I had been more alive, more aware, God would have given me a different story, when He wanted me to live this one. Maybe my story will be used to prepare another, or allow someone to have kindness and compassion for themselves in the midst of difficulty. In the midst of fears, doubts, and insecurities “Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go” (Joshua‬ ‭1:9‬). God is with you wherever you go. Into the darkest parts of your heart, into the scariest places in your mind, God will be with you.

And I suppose, almost a year into marriage isn’t too late to begin truly being a bride.

Yours truly,
CG

The Truth about The Gospel

I realized something recently. As in, tonight.

You see, I have taken up writing a gratitude journal. But before I start, I write Philippians 4.8 which says “Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable- if there is anything of excellence, or praise worthy - dwell on these things”. But you see, I struggled with this so much, because what can I find within myself that is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, or commendable within myself? Especially when I couldn’t see anything good within myself at all! And the truth was nothing! In moments like that, there really isn’t anything true, honorable, just, pure, lovely or commendable within myself. And that’s the point. God is. God is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely and commendable. He is freaking full of those things that are excellent and praise worthy.

The gospel isn’t that we’re so great, and we have our lives all together. The gospel is that God within us is great. God doesn’t need us to be awesome, He is awesome already! And sometimes He shines through us to make His glory more evident. I am a wreck, but God isn’t. And that’s the good news.

That’s all. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.
CG

The Bad ADHD Days

I woke up this morning fully of hope and good intentions to get a buttload of homework done. I couldn’t get anything done. I felt restless and agitated. I moved rooms, I sat in different places, I listened to music, I sat in silence, I gave myself “brain breaks”, I did my quiet time, I promised myself rewards, all to no avail. After suffering all day, I finally finished one assignment due at midnight. Which, my computer decided to freeze and delete (save everything to Word, my friends). So, I have a minor panic attack, and amazingly, turned it in on time. (Praise God). 

It used to be that when I got this way, I would muster up all the anger and self-hatred I could to push myself (sometimes) to accomplish things. But what I didn’t realize at the time was that the thoughts and words I was telling myself, my heart and my mind were storing up to beat me with later. These came out some as a Freshman in college, but I ignored any feelings that this was not right or okay. After all, these thoughts, words and feelings helped me to accomplish something. And I am a very big fan of accomplishing something. People don’t judge those who do something. People don’t cast stones at those who sit down and “just do it”. And I, like many, am a fan of not being judged. So I continued to speak as I always had.

I spoke terribly of myself, reminding myself that I was a piece of trash, not worthy of notice because there were days that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t make myself do anything. I was lazy, I was stupid. If I could just get over myself everything would be fine. ”Stop being such a drama queen”, “suck it up, you’re lucky you’re even here” are just a few things I would say to myself as I warred within. With these words come a depression and a despair I do not know how to put into words but to say that I beg for God to take me home so I no longer have to battle the words of death that choke me. These words that make me feel frozen in fear and unable to do anything but weep uncontrollably.

Very few, even to this day, have heard these voices come out. Let alone see the full force of them come out. After all, no one wants to see this depth of brokenness. So I kept it locked up. No one need know.

And then I got married.

I don’t know if you know this, but it’s, like, really hard to keep your brokenness And struggles from your spouse. If you didn’t, now you do. You’re welcome.

Nothing could have prepared my poor husband for the darkness and death he would see me go through within the first few months of our marriage as I struggled through an online class and work stress. After a particularly stressful night, filled hateful comments about myself, my husband sat me down. He explained how worried he was for me. I was ashamed. He had seen the ugliest part of myself. The part I proudly kept hidden away from the world. I was exposed. And it was that exposure that broke me. Because it hit me, if he knew, then God definitely knew. How hurt and broken God must have felt seeing the one He made and loves so much cursing and cutting herself down. I fought against the rising self-hatred and promised to work towards healthier ways of coping with my ADHD-bad-days-stress.

So what have I been doing to cope with the terrible days when I struggle to say anything nice about myself? Grace. A boatload. And giving myself the permission let go and admit that it’s just a bad day. And that’s okay. God loves me even if I epically fail every. Single. Class. Heck, even if I *gasp* drop out (wishful thinking, but a girl can dream). If I lost my job, God will still love me. If I threw the biggest temper tantrum in the history of the world. God? He would still love me. He can be annoying like that. And I am so very glad He is.

So why do I share this with you? I share to remind everyone, myself included, to be kind to people. We never know the secret battles people fight on a daily basis. And I share it to encourage my ADHD peeps out there who struggle to keep their head above water. I see you and I’m with you.

Love,
CG