I have two weeks until I move back on campus and all the craziness of school will ensue. With this in mind, I have been considering the summer, in all of it's joys and pains. This summer, I lived in a house with some of my best friends rent free, I had no job, I was sleeping on a bed and mattress someone gave me, and when I drove, I was driving a car that was borrowed. Often I had to ask for rides. And by often, I mean, almost everyday. My room is currently lit by twinkle lights borrowed from a friend, and the majority of the food I ate? Was bought by friends. Do you have any idea how humbling and heart-breaking that can feel? For someone who loves working and providing for others, for someone who makes that her whole goal in life to not be able to provide for herself, let only others? It's agony.
I long so much to be of use to people, to love and to give of myself so others might know the love and grace of the Father. I want to be in a good place, financially, spiritually, and emotionally so I may in turn show the goodness that is in our world, that is in my God. This summer, I was in a lot of places, but good was rarely one of them. I have struggled with depression, self hatred and doubt, and the feeling God had left me. The belief that I had been left out in the cold by God, to face it all alone followed me, and I was positive that no one should have to deal with the misfortune of being around me.
Yet, I was constantly surrounded by God's goodness and faithfulness to me. But I found it a mockery. All these beautiful gifts given to me just seemed to me a constant reminder of my failure to care for myself, my friends, my family. "Look at her, she can't get a job, so she bums off her friends and family. She has no care for their worries, or how much she's costing them. She doesn't care, she doesn't see", "She has no idea what she's doing! And she calls herself an adult?! Doesn't she know she needs a job? Doesn't she know real adults take care of themselves?" These voices taunted, until I believed I was worthless, a piece of trash. I had an older relative greatly criticized for these very things, and if these people truly believed that about this person, why would they not think the same of me?
Have you ever been so brokenly depressed you could not move from your bed? Have you ever been so depressed you honestly thought that the world, your family, your friends, would be better off without you? Have you ever been so depressed you didn't see the point in looking for a job because no one would want to hire you anyway? Have you ever been so depressed you were convinced, convinced, that you were one step, one mistake away from all of your loved ones saying that you're a lazy nobody and walking away? Because I have. These are real thoughts that went through my head this summer, and though God has once again stepped in and reminded me of my worth, and who I am, that doesn't change the fact that I struggled with these thoughts. I thought a great many of those things because I had heard many of those things said about that relative in the same position I was in. Sometimes I would daydream that I did die, leaving those people a letter explaining what their judgement had cost. Why judge them but not me? What makes me so different?
What gives any of us the right to condemn one another, or ourselves? We cannot understand the road someone walks, unless we have walked in their shoes,their heart, and mind, being plagued by the same doubts, heartaches and pain.
We cannot understand yet what we have left to do. There are still things we must accomplish before we can go be where there is no more pain, no more sorrow. Let alone understand what anyone else has to do. God is still moving, God is still working.
God used this summer in a big and mighty way(s), because of this summer I got to truly experience the love of Jesus Christ in a new way. I was surrounded my friends who loved me in my darkest hour, that saw me through the storm. They did not just "pray" for a house, a home, to open up, they opened up their home to me. They did not just "pray" a bed into existence, they gave me one. They did not just "hope" and "pray" I was fed, they fed me. They drove me. They helped me. When I was in my greatest need, they were there. And they did not judge me. Most I'm sure had no idea what was going on with me, but that did not stop their love and grace. I have been humbled, my pride has been trampled, and I am grateful.Thankful. I am loved by the King of kings and He calls me His. He gave me a worth no one and nothing can steal.
Be aware that God is always moving, even if you can't see it, and He provides in mighty ways. Never, ever, ever, ever, underestimate your worth and all God has for you. Just because you can't see it now, doesn't mean you won't see it later. So test your feelings, surround yourself with people who love you and are willing to share the truth with you. And be careful what you say and what you think, for you may never know the role those who are hurting and down are meant to play in this great adventure called life.
Love God, Love People,
CG
I long so much to be of use to people, to love and to give of myself so others might know the love and grace of the Father. I want to be in a good place, financially, spiritually, and emotionally so I may in turn show the goodness that is in our world, that is in my God. This summer, I was in a lot of places, but good was rarely one of them. I have struggled with depression, self hatred and doubt, and the feeling God had left me. The belief that I had been left out in the cold by God, to face it all alone followed me, and I was positive that no one should have to deal with the misfortune of being around me.
Yet, I was constantly surrounded by God's goodness and faithfulness to me. But I found it a mockery. All these beautiful gifts given to me just seemed to me a constant reminder of my failure to care for myself, my friends, my family. "Look at her, she can't get a job, so she bums off her friends and family. She has no care for their worries, or how much she's costing them. She doesn't care, she doesn't see", "She has no idea what she's doing! And she calls herself an adult?! Doesn't she know she needs a job? Doesn't she know real adults take care of themselves?" These voices taunted, until I believed I was worthless, a piece of trash. I had an older relative greatly criticized for these very things, and if these people truly believed that about this person, why would they not think the same of me?
Have you ever been so brokenly depressed you could not move from your bed? Have you ever been so depressed you honestly thought that the world, your family, your friends, would be better off without you? Have you ever been so depressed you didn't see the point in looking for a job because no one would want to hire you anyway? Have you ever been so depressed you were convinced, convinced, that you were one step, one mistake away from all of your loved ones saying that you're a lazy nobody and walking away? Because I have. These are real thoughts that went through my head this summer, and though God has once again stepped in and reminded me of my worth, and who I am, that doesn't change the fact that I struggled with these thoughts. I thought a great many of those things because I had heard many of those things said about that relative in the same position I was in. Sometimes I would daydream that I did die, leaving those people a letter explaining what their judgement had cost. Why judge them but not me? What makes me so different?
What gives any of us the right to condemn one another, or ourselves? We cannot understand the road someone walks, unless we have walked in their shoes,their heart, and mind, being plagued by the same doubts, heartaches and pain.
We cannot understand yet what we have left to do. There are still things we must accomplish before we can go be where there is no more pain, no more sorrow. Let alone understand what anyone else has to do. God is still moving, God is still working.
Deserves it! I daresay he does. Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement. For even the very wise cannot see all ends. (Gandalf, J.R.R. Tolkien, The Shadow of the Past, The Fellowship of the Ring).We, any one of us, could die any second. I could go on a walk tomorrow and be run over by a truck. You could die in your sleep. Do you really want to waste what time you might have left being hurt over past grievances, or judgments? Make it right now! We might not have tomorrow!
God used this summer in a big and mighty way(s), because of this summer I got to truly experience the love of Jesus Christ in a new way. I was surrounded my friends who loved me in my darkest hour, that saw me through the storm. They did not just "pray" for a house, a home, to open up, they opened up their home to me. They did not just "pray" a bed into existence, they gave me one. They did not just "hope" and "pray" I was fed, they fed me. They drove me. They helped me. When I was in my greatest need, they were there. And they did not judge me. Most I'm sure had no idea what was going on with me, but that did not stop their love and grace. I have been humbled, my pride has been trampled, and I am grateful.Thankful. I am loved by the King of kings and He calls me His. He gave me a worth no one and nothing can steal.
Be aware that God is always moving, even if you can't see it, and He provides in mighty ways. Never, ever, ever, ever, underestimate your worth and all God has for you. Just because you can't see it now, doesn't mean you won't see it later. So test your feelings, surround yourself with people who love you and are willing to share the truth with you. And be careful what you say and what you think, for you may never know the role those who are hurting and down are meant to play in this great adventure called life.
Love God, Love People,
CG
So the eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” Or again, the head can’t say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” But even more, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are necessary. And those parts of the body that we think to be less honorable, we clothe these with greater honor, and our unpresentable parts have a better presentation. But our presentable parts have no need of clothing. Instead, God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the less honorable, so that there would be no division in the body, but that the members would have the same concern for each other. So if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it. (1 Corinthians 12. 21-26, HCSB)
Share with the saints in their needs; pursue hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep. Be in agreement with one another. Do not be proud; instead, associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own estimation. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Try to do what is honorable in everyone’s eyes. If possible, on your part, live at peace with everyone. ( Romans 12.13-18, HCSB)
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