We’ll be married a year in May.
It’s taken me almost a year to allow myself to be the bride I always dreamed I would be. The bride that stayed up until 2AM just swapping secrets, sharing tears and laughter. Who enjoyed kissing and intimacy without being filled with self doubt and criticism.Who enjoyed where we were in the right now instead of trying to rush on to the future because the now was uncomfortable and scary. No one could have prepared me any more for marriage. No one could have predicted the doubts and fears my mind would tell my heart to believe. And yet, at times, I wished someone who could have seen into the future could have warned me. But maybe if they had, I would have been too scared to get married in the first place.
The “what if’s” were the loudest. What if I make him want to leave me? What if I decide this isn’t worth it 20 or 30 years down the road? What if I ruin his life? What if I decide loving and respecting my husband is choice I am unwilling to make? These fears went round and round my head until I was dizzy and confused. Until I was unsure of every decision we made as a couple. “Would we be bitter about this later?” Was a constant question of mine. I was scared to allow my husband to love and serve me for fear he would become embittered to me and our marriage. As if service was a bad thing. As if loving one another like Jesus called us to was somehow a bad thing.
Because that’s what I had seen modeled to me.
God used my husband to break down walls I didn’t even know I had. Slowly, and painfully. To bring me closer to His side. To “laugh at the days to come” (Proverbs 31.25). To stop comparing my life, my story, my love, to anyone but Christ who first loved me. God is using my marriage, my husband to help me to understand the beauty and peace in being a bride.
Sometimes I wish I would have understood what being a bride meant sooner. I missed out on so many “firsts” because I was so wrapped up in the fears and insecurities my mind was telling me were truth. But then, I suppose if I had been more alive, more aware, God would have given me a different story, when He wanted me to live this one. Maybe my story will be used to prepare another, or allow someone to have kindness and compassion for themselves in the midst of difficulty. In the midst of fears, doubts, and insecurities “Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9). God is with you wherever you go. Into the darkest parts of your heart, into the scariest places in your mind, God will be with you.
And I suppose, almost a year into marriage isn’t too late to begin truly being a bride.
Yours truly,
CG
It’s taken me almost a year to allow myself to be the bride I always dreamed I would be. The bride that stayed up until 2AM just swapping secrets, sharing tears and laughter. Who enjoyed kissing and intimacy without being filled with self doubt and criticism.Who enjoyed where we were in the right now instead of trying to rush on to the future because the now was uncomfortable and scary. No one could have prepared me any more for marriage. No one could have predicted the doubts and fears my mind would tell my heart to believe. And yet, at times, I wished someone who could have seen into the future could have warned me. But maybe if they had, I would have been too scared to get married in the first place.
The “what if’s” were the loudest. What if I make him want to leave me? What if I decide this isn’t worth it 20 or 30 years down the road? What if I ruin his life? What if I decide loving and respecting my husband is choice I am unwilling to make? These fears went round and round my head until I was dizzy and confused. Until I was unsure of every decision we made as a couple. “Would we be bitter about this later?” Was a constant question of mine. I was scared to allow my husband to love and serve me for fear he would become embittered to me and our marriage. As if service was a bad thing. As if loving one another like Jesus called us to was somehow a bad thing.
Because that’s what I had seen modeled to me.
God used my husband to break down walls I didn’t even know I had. Slowly, and painfully. To bring me closer to His side. To “laugh at the days to come” (Proverbs 31.25). To stop comparing my life, my story, my love, to anyone but Christ who first loved me. God is using my marriage, my husband to help me to understand the beauty and peace in being a bride.
Sometimes I wish I would have understood what being a bride meant sooner. I missed out on so many “firsts” because I was so wrapped up in the fears and insecurities my mind was telling me were truth. But then, I suppose if I had been more alive, more aware, God would have given me a different story, when He wanted me to live this one. Maybe my story will be used to prepare another, or allow someone to have kindness and compassion for themselves in the midst of difficulty. In the midst of fears, doubts, and insecurities “Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9). God is with you wherever you go. Into the darkest parts of your heart, into the scariest places in your mind, God will be with you.
And I suppose, almost a year into marriage isn’t too late to begin truly being a bride.
Yours truly,
CG
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