I love moms, they are just the most wise, and real people ever. Even as a young girl, babysitting was my favorite, but just because little people are some of God's best gifts, and I love them to death, and it helps me forget how badly I want one right now. Though, yes that is a factor.... It was also because moms don't have it all together, and they rarely pretend they do. They don't pretend that they can fix all your problems, especially with kids. I remember one time two of my favorite moms left there four kids with me, a task I had done many times. the older two were probably four, and the younger two, were three or four months old. All went well until one of the babies' reminded the other that they were both hungry, no biggie, so I start feeding them when the toddlers come in and decide it would be a great idea to jump on the couch (an activity I knew wasn't allowed), but when I told them to get down, they ignored me. And again, normally this wouldn't be a problem, but I was feeding the two babies! I had no more arms left! Things continued to spiral out of control from there....
When the moms returned, things had settled down, and all the kids were asleep. They asked me how everything went, I was about to shrug it off, when it just came out. All of it. I had just finished and said tearfully, "now you'll never trust me to babysit again." The moms laughed! Actually laughed! Then gave me a hug and said, "is anyone dead?" shocked I replied "no."
"Was anyone bleeding?"
"No."
"And the kids are asleep?"
"Yes."
"Honey, that sounds like success to me!" With those words both women proceeded to tell me much worse days that they had experienced as moms. I was never so glad I told the truth, those women ended up having more influence in my life because of that conversation. They were real, they were messy, they were honest, but above all, they were beautiful.
I was reminded of that day today as I was reading an article from a mom expressing her frustration with this "ideal mom" view she had pushed on herself. To be the "ideal mom" you must do clothe diapers, and all organic food, keep your kids clean, your kitchen clean, your laundry clean and folded, ect. and as I read it, I began to see myself in a new light. You see, just as this beautiful young mom and pushed perfection on herself, I had done the same. There are these ideas that I have about myself, and about this "perfect woman" I had hoped, and planned, to become. And I fall short. Very short of the expectations I have of myself. I must have a job, not just any job, but a good paying job, I must always be not only on time, but early, I must be kind, and always know what to say, and always be happy, and never suffer from depression or self-doubt, because that's not what my "perfect self" would do. I must make everyone happy, and never be angry. With anyone. Ever.
But the thing is, I'm not those things all the time. Maybe not ever... and maybe that's a thing... Would we every have funny stories if we were perfect? Would we have grace or understanding? And really, how would I bond with people? Haha today, I was late to go help a friend clean, I couldn't find my shirt for, at least 20 minutes. And when I was done cleaning, I accidentally spilt coffee down myself and my shirt and got sherbet on my elbow (don't ask me how, because I really don't know). I haven't gotten around to filling out my FASFA (and am scared, because I'm not really sure how to), have no idea how I'm going to pay for my books this next semester, let alone how to look up all the books I need. And really, how does one look for scholarships? So its clear, I am a mess. I have no idea what I'm doing, and honestly, I am really amazed that they let me have my licence as an adult. Oh wait, they don't do that... maybe that should be a thing.
I am not my perfect self, not even close.But maybe there's beauty in that. Maybe God never wanted me to be perfect, or to "fix" everything in my life. Maybe I can do just what those moms did for me, and love people best through the fact that I am a broken mess, who, by no account has it all figured out. Maybe God thinks I'm most beautiful broken, but real.Which leads me to the question, have I been real with those around me? Have I been real with God? I knew at one point or another I'd be broken "in a new way", but I had an idea of what that would look like, and it looked nothing like it is. I never, in my wildest dreams, imagined that I would struggle with getting things done, or being on time. But here we are, so I am choosing to be real with myself, and maybe it will spread outward. I am not perfect, I do not have it together, but you know what? Neither does anyone else. And you striving to be perfect? It's not pretty, it's not cool, it's not cute. There will be days when you don't know what to say. There will be days when you're late, or when you're angry. There will be days when you don't know what you're doing or how to deal with life. That's just how it is. So stop pretending. You are most beautiful when you are yourself, so be your beautifully messy self. And know that it's okay. Maybe you'll know what to say tomorrow, but until then, live in confidence. And as my dad would say, "give yourself some grace".
"I may be a mess, but I am a mess that Jesus loves",
C.G.
When the moms returned, things had settled down, and all the kids were asleep. They asked me how everything went, I was about to shrug it off, when it just came out. All of it. I had just finished and said tearfully, "now you'll never trust me to babysit again." The moms laughed! Actually laughed! Then gave me a hug and said, "is anyone dead?" shocked I replied "no."
"Was anyone bleeding?"
"No."
"And the kids are asleep?"
"Yes."
"Honey, that sounds like success to me!" With those words both women proceeded to tell me much worse days that they had experienced as moms. I was never so glad I told the truth, those women ended up having more influence in my life because of that conversation. They were real, they were messy, they were honest, but above all, they were beautiful.
I was reminded of that day today as I was reading an article from a mom expressing her frustration with this "ideal mom" view she had pushed on herself. To be the "ideal mom" you must do clothe diapers, and all organic food, keep your kids clean, your kitchen clean, your laundry clean and folded, ect. and as I read it, I began to see myself in a new light. You see, just as this beautiful young mom and pushed perfection on herself, I had done the same. There are these ideas that I have about myself, and about this "perfect woman" I had hoped, and planned, to become. And I fall short. Very short of the expectations I have of myself. I must have a job, not just any job, but a good paying job, I must always be not only on time, but early, I must be kind, and always know what to say, and always be happy, and never suffer from depression or self-doubt, because that's not what my "perfect self" would do. I must make everyone happy, and never be angry. With anyone. Ever.
But the thing is, I'm not those things all the time. Maybe not ever... and maybe that's a thing... Would we every have funny stories if we were perfect? Would we have grace or understanding? And really, how would I bond with people? Haha today, I was late to go help a friend clean, I couldn't find my shirt for, at least 20 minutes. And when I was done cleaning, I accidentally spilt coffee down myself and my shirt and got sherbet on my elbow (don't ask me how, because I really don't know). I haven't gotten around to filling out my FASFA (and am scared, because I'm not really sure how to), have no idea how I'm going to pay for my books this next semester, let alone how to look up all the books I need. And really, how does one look for scholarships? So its clear, I am a mess. I have no idea what I'm doing, and honestly, I am really amazed that they let me have my licence as an adult. Oh wait, they don't do that... maybe that should be a thing.
I am not my perfect self, not even close.But maybe there's beauty in that. Maybe God never wanted me to be perfect, or to "fix" everything in my life. Maybe I can do just what those moms did for me, and love people best through the fact that I am a broken mess, who, by no account has it all figured out. Maybe God thinks I'm most beautiful broken, but real.Which leads me to the question, have I been real with those around me? Have I been real with God? I knew at one point or another I'd be broken "in a new way", but I had an idea of what that would look like, and it looked nothing like it is. I never, in my wildest dreams, imagined that I would struggle with getting things done, or being on time. But here we are, so I am choosing to be real with myself, and maybe it will spread outward. I am not perfect, I do not have it together, but you know what? Neither does anyone else. And you striving to be perfect? It's not pretty, it's not cool, it's not cute. There will be days when you don't know what to say. There will be days when you're late, or when you're angry. There will be days when you don't know what you're doing or how to deal with life. That's just how it is. So stop pretending. You are most beautiful when you are yourself, so be your beautifully messy self. And know that it's okay. Maybe you'll know what to say tomorrow, but until then, live in confidence. And as my dad would say, "give yourself some grace".
"I may be a mess, but I am a mess that Jesus loves",
C.G.
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