Confession: sometimes, I miss childhood so bad it hurts. And in those times, I get worried that I’m missing out on what I already have, right in front of me. With the new decade ahead, I have been looking back on the previous years, especially recent years, and wondering what the future holds.
I haven’t updated this blog in a while, but since the last time I have, I got married. I have a dog. I’m still going to school, I have said my tearful goodbyes to the children’s shelter and have acquired a grown up, 9-5 job.These are all such big and wonderful things. And while I love this season, as hard as it has been, I just get so afraid sometimes... am I missing out on what is thinking about what was or what will be? It leads me to wonder, what will I miss from this season of my life? And what will I wish I had done?
Maybe it is because it is the new year, and everyone is still sharing precious moments from the year before. Or maybe because everyone has their new year’s resolution, but it has me wondering, what will I wish I did in a year? In 5 years? Or in a decade from now? Will I wish I had gone out with friends more and not been a married recluse? Will I have wished I had stayed in more? Read more books? Watched less TV? Gone on walks more? Traveled more? Or will I have simply wished I was kinder to myself and others?
I don’t know why, but this more than any other year of my life, I feel a pressure, an anxiety, to live my life to the fullest. The anxiety is so big, that out of fear, I avoided it. But still, I felt it. I feel a need to be present, and to share the love of my Savior in a way I never have before. Yet, in that fear and anxiety, there is also so much self-doubt. What if I miss those opportunities to love my husband, my dog, my family, my friend as I should have? What if I cannot do what I am called to do?
Yet I know, that if Jesus calls, he will equip. I know that God uses what is weak to shame the strong (1 Cor. 1.27), so who am I to say what I cannot do?
So until further notice, I will seek to be present and show love in every situation.
Kindness and compassion,
C.G.
P.S. maybe it was the lack of anxiety to be the best that I could be that made my childhood so magical? Maybe that is why Jesus calls us to be like the little children, more trust, less stress? Or maybe those are thoughts for a later date.
I haven’t updated this blog in a while, but since the last time I have, I got married. I have a dog. I’m still going to school, I have said my tearful goodbyes to the children’s shelter and have acquired a grown up, 9-5 job.These are all such big and wonderful things. And while I love this season, as hard as it has been, I just get so afraid sometimes... am I missing out on what is thinking about what was or what will be? It leads me to wonder, what will I miss from this season of my life? And what will I wish I had done?
Maybe it is because it is the new year, and everyone is still sharing precious moments from the year before. Or maybe because everyone has their new year’s resolution, but it has me wondering, what will I wish I did in a year? In 5 years? Or in a decade from now? Will I wish I had gone out with friends more and not been a married recluse? Will I have wished I had stayed in more? Read more books? Watched less TV? Gone on walks more? Traveled more? Or will I have simply wished I was kinder to myself and others?
I don’t know why, but this more than any other year of my life, I feel a pressure, an anxiety, to live my life to the fullest. The anxiety is so big, that out of fear, I avoided it. But still, I felt it. I feel a need to be present, and to share the love of my Savior in a way I never have before. Yet, in that fear and anxiety, there is also so much self-doubt. What if I miss those opportunities to love my husband, my dog, my family, my friend as I should have? What if I cannot do what I am called to do?
Yet I know, that if Jesus calls, he will equip. I know that God uses what is weak to shame the strong (1 Cor. 1.27), so who am I to say what I cannot do?
So until further notice, I will seek to be present and show love in every situation.
Kindness and compassion,
C.G.
P.S. maybe it was the lack of anxiety to be the best that I could be that made my childhood so magical? Maybe that is why Jesus calls us to be like the little children, more trust, less stress? Or maybe those are thoughts for a later date.
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