My life has been a constant struggle of letting go and letting God. I want so much to love and honor God, but only within the bounds of what I feel comfortable with. Maybe that is why God is so constantly uprooting me to the most uncomfortable and painful places. Once I'm comfortable and have found my own, its time to move on.
My life is such a mystery, there is so much I don't know and don't understand. I often don't know why I am where I am until it is time to move on. I don't know what God is doing in my life, through my life, or around my life. It reminds me that the God I serve is so big and mysterious, there is no way I will ever truly understand Him. Isn't that what we women long to be? Beautifully mysterious? To be sought after for our mystery?
Yet when God calls me to do the same, to seek after Him when I do not understand, I get lazy. Or annoyed. I suppose this is where I struggle most in sin, I get desperate for that control and comfort I had, and seek it in myself and in the world. Because if He moves me so far outside of my comfort zone, I lose my control; my control over my surroundings, over my "image", and over my timing. I guess I don't want to know and seek after a God that is constantly pushing me to do and go places when I have no reassurance that I will be safe or taken care of, or, if I am totally honest with my selfish self, that I will be happy. Because God doesn't guarantee us that we will be safe, He guarantees us that He will be there when: when it happens, when you suffer, when you rejoice, He promises to be there.
He may still be mysterious and do things He won't explain, but He will be there. For the tears, the anger, the pain. I guess this is what I missed this summer: He never promised me He would give me a job, He never promised me instant healing, or that I'd always be my fine bubbly self. He promised to be there. But because I was scrambling for control over myself and my life, I missed it.
I might have missed one of the greatest summers of my life, seeking and knowing my Savior more, because I was holding on so tightly to how I thought things ought to be. Alas, God redeems. Whatever happens, He will be there. In all of His mystery, and in all of His glory, He will be there.
Signed, Little Miss Control,
CG
