The Most Humbling Summer Ever

I have two weeks until I move back on campus and all the craziness of school will ensue. With this in mind, I have been considering the summer, in all of it's joys and pains. This summer, I lived in a house with some of my best friends rent free, I had no job, I was sleeping on a bed and mattress someone gave me, and when I drove, I was driving a car that was borrowed. Often I had to ask for rides. And by often, I mean, almost everyday. My room is currently lit by twinkle lights borrowed from a friend, and the majority of the food I ate? Was bought by friends. Do you have any idea how humbling and heart-breaking that can feel? For someone who loves working and providing for others, for someone who makes that her whole goal in life to not be able to provide for herself, let only others? It's agony.

I long so much to be of use to people, to love and to give of myself so others might know the love and grace of the Father. I want to be in a good place, financially, spiritually, and emotionally so I may in turn show the goodness that is in our world, that is in my God. This summer, I was in a lot of places, but good was rarely one of them. I have struggled with depression, self hatred and doubt, and the feeling God had left me. The belief that I had been left out in the cold by God, to face it all alone followed me, and I was positive that no one should have to deal with the misfortune of being around me.

Yet, I was constantly surrounded by God's goodness and faithfulness to me. But I found it a mockery. All these beautiful gifts given to me just seemed to me a constant reminder of my failure to care for myself, my friends, my family. "Look at her, she can't get a job, so she bums off her friends and family. She has no care for their worries, or how much she's costing them. She doesn't care, she doesn't see", "She has no idea what she's doing! And she calls herself an adult?! Doesn't she know she needs a job? Doesn't she know real adults take care of themselves?" These voices taunted, until I believed I was worthless, a piece of trash. I had an older relative greatly criticized for these very things, and if these people truly believed that about this person, why would they not think the same of me?

Have you ever been so brokenly depressed you could not move from your bed? Have you ever been so depressed you honestly thought that the world, your family, your friends, would be better off without you? Have you ever been so depressed you didn't see the point in looking for a job because no one would want to hire you anyway? Have you ever been so depressed you were convinced, convinced, that you were one step, one mistake away from all of your loved ones saying that you're a lazy nobody and walking away? Because I have. These are real thoughts that went through my head this summer, and though God has once again stepped in and reminded me of my worth, and who I am, that doesn't change the fact that I struggled with these thoughts.  I thought a great many of those things because I had heard many of those things said about that relative in the same position I was in. Sometimes I would daydream that I did die, leaving those people a letter explaining what their judgement had cost. Why judge them but not me? What makes me so different?

What gives any of us the right to condemn one another, or ourselves? We cannot understand the road someone walks, unless we have walked in their shoes,their heart, and mind, being plagued by the same doubts, heartaches and pain.
We cannot understand yet what we have left to do.  There are still things we must accomplish before we can go be where there is no more pain, no more sorrow. Let alone understand what anyone else has to do. God is still moving, God is still working.

Deserves it! I daresay he does. Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement. For even the very wise cannot see all ends. (Gandalf, J.R.R. Tolkien, The Shadow of the Past, The Fellowship of the Ring).

We, any one of us, could die any second. I could go on a walk tomorrow and be run over by a truck. You could die in your sleep. Do you really want to waste what time you might have left being hurt over past grievances, or judgments? Make it right now! We might not have tomorrow! 

God used this summer in a big and mighty way(s), because of this summer I got to truly experience the love of Jesus Christ in a new way. I was surrounded my friends who loved me in my darkest hour, that saw me through the storm. They did not just "pray" for a house, a home, to open up, they opened up their home to me. They did not just "pray" a bed into existence, they gave me one. They did not just "hope" and "pray" I was fed, they fed me. They drove me. They helped me. When I was in my greatest need, they were there. And they did not judge me. Most I'm sure had no idea what was going on with me, but that did not stop their love and grace. I have been humbled, my pride has been trampled, and I am grateful.Thankful. I am loved by the King of kings and He calls me His. He gave me a worth no one and nothing can steal.

Be aware that God is always moving, even if you can't see it, and He provides in mighty ways. Never, ever, ever, ever, underestimate your worth and all God has for you. Just because you can't see it now, doesn't mean you won't see it later. So test your feelings, surround yourself with people who love you and are willing to share the truth with you. And be careful what you say and what you think, for you may never know the role those who are hurting and down are meant to play in this great adventure called life.

Love God, Love People,
CG

So the eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” Or again, the head can’t say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” But even more, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are necessary. And those parts of the body that we think to be less honorable, we clothe these with greater honor, and our unpresentable parts have a better presentation. But our presentable parts have no need of clothing. Instead, God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the less honorable, so that there would be no division in the body, but that the members would have the same concern for each other. So if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it. (1 Corinthians 12. 21-26, HCSB)

Share with the saints in their needs; pursue hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep. Be in agreement with one another. Do not be proud; instead, associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own estimation. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Try to do what is honorable in everyone’s eyes. If possible, on your part, live at peace with everyone. ( Romans 12.13-18, HCSB)

My Perfect Little Self

I love moms, they are just the most wise, and real people ever. Even as a young girl, babysitting was my favorite, but just because little people are some of God's best gifts, and I love them to death, and it helps me forget how badly I want one right now. Though, yes that is a factor.... It was also because moms don't have it all together, and they rarely pretend they do. They don't pretend that they can fix all your problems, especially with kids. I remember one time two of my favorite moms left there four kids with me, a task I had done many times. the older two were probably four, and the younger two, were three or four months old. All went well until one of the babies' reminded the other that they were both hungry, no biggie, so I start feeding them when the toddlers come in and decide it would be a great idea to jump on the couch (an activity I knew wasn't allowed), but when I told them to get down, they ignored me. And again, normally this wouldn't be a problem, but I was feeding the two babies! I had no more arms left! Things continued to spiral out of control from there....

When the moms returned, things had settled down, and all the kids were asleep. They asked me how everything went, I was about to shrug it off, when it just came out. All of it. I had just finished and said tearfully, "now you'll never trust me to babysit again." The moms laughed! Actually laughed! Then gave me a hug and said, "is anyone dead?" shocked I replied "no."
"Was anyone bleeding?"
"No."
"And the kids are asleep?"
"Yes."
"Honey, that sounds like success  to me!" With those words both women proceeded to tell me much worse days that they had experienced as moms. I was never so glad I told the truth, those women ended up having more influence in my life because of that conversation. They were real, they were messy, they were honest, but above all, they were beautiful.

I was reminded of that day today as I was reading an article from a mom expressing her frustration with this "ideal mom" view she had pushed on herself. To be the "ideal mom" you must do clothe diapers, and all organic food, keep your kids clean, your kitchen clean, your laundry clean and folded, ect. and as I read it, I began to see myself in a new light. You see, just as this beautiful young mom and pushed perfection on herself, I had done the same. There are these ideas that I have about myself, and about this "perfect woman" I had hoped, and planned, to become. And I fall short. Very short of the expectations I have of myself. I must have a job, not just any job, but a good paying job, I must always be not only on time, but early, I must be kind, and always know what to say, and always be happy, and never suffer from depression or self-doubt, because that's not what my "perfect self" would do. I must make everyone happy, and never be angry. With anyone. Ever.

But the thing is, I'm not those things all the time. Maybe not ever... and maybe that's a thing... Would we every have funny stories if we were perfect? Would we have grace or understanding? And really, how would I bond with people? Haha today, I was late to go help a friend clean, I couldn't find my shirt for, at least 20 minutes. And when I was done cleaning, I accidentally spilt coffee down myself and my shirt and got sherbet on my elbow (don't ask me how, because I really don't know). I haven't gotten around to filling out my FASFA (and am scared, because I'm not really sure how to), have no idea how I'm going to pay for my books this next semester, let alone how to look up all the books I need. And really, how does one look for scholarships? So its clear, I am a mess. I have no idea what I'm doing, and honestly, I am really amazed that they let me have my licence as an adult. Oh wait, they don't do that... maybe that should be a thing.

I am not my perfect self, not even close.But maybe there's beauty in that. Maybe God never wanted me to be perfect, or to "fix" everything in my life. Maybe I can do just what those moms did for me, and love people best through the fact that I am a broken mess, who, by no account has it all figured out. Maybe God thinks I'm most beautiful broken, but real.Which leads me to the question, have I been real with those around me? Have I been real with God? I knew at one point or another I'd be broken "in a new way", but I had an idea of what that would look like, and it looked nothing like it is. I never, in my wildest dreams, imagined that I would struggle with getting things done, or being on time. But here we are, so I am choosing to be real with myself, and maybe it will spread outward. I am not perfect, I do not have it together, but you know what? Neither does anyone else. And you striving to be perfect? It's not pretty, it's not cool, it's not cute. There will be days when you don't know what to say. There will be days when you're late, or when you're angry. There will be days when you don't know what you're doing or how to deal with life. That's just how it is. So stop pretending. You are most beautiful when you are yourself, so be your beautifully messy self. And know that it's okay. Maybe you'll know what to say tomorrow, but until then, live in confidence. And as my dad would say, "give yourself some grace".

"I may be a mess, but I am a mess that Jesus loves",
C.G.

There Will Always Be A Way Through

This is for the days when you're broken, hurt, and pissed at God. You know the days, the one's where you and God had an agreement about who you were supposed to be, who they (whoever "they" may be) were suppose to be, what they were supposed to do, or how things were really supposed to go down. Except, somehow God seemed to have missed that meeting, what's up with that?

I, myself, have been having one of those days for the last several weeks. You see, things in my life are not the best right now. And that's okay, its better than so many others. And I'm not here to complain about it, but I am certainly not happy about it, and not really okay with it either. Because, honestly, I am not okay. And in this imaginary conversation/agreement I had with God, we agreed that I would be okay. Even while everything else felt like it was falling apart, I was supposed to be my bright and happy self, just laughing it off and remembering that this was all a part of some great, and beautiful, and grand adventure. Except it wasn't. Because some of it sucked, like really, really sucked. And hurt me in ways I didn't even know I could be hurt. And in that hurt, I made a lot of mistakes, which just hurt me more.

Who am I? Is it all my fault? It must be, because it can't be anyone else's fault. I can't be mad at anyone else, I don't want to be mad at anyone else, I just want everything to be as it was! And if I can't, well, then, I'm not sure I want it at all. Where is God? Does He even care that this is happening? I "know" He does, but then why can't I feel Him Close? WHERE IS HE?  Do I think I even know what really happened? These and many, many more questions have floated through my head over the past month, and each of those thoughts had many more emotions attached to them.Until I was aching, drowning in emotions.The point is not the pain or the questions, but what I have learned from truly exploring those questions and emotions (many of which I still have unanswered).

 I have learned to surround myself with amazing friends, the ones that love you unconditionally and remind you that, no, you cannot run away, but you are worthy and oh, so loved. I learned your mind, body, and soul are all connected. So if you have raging hormones going on right now, this may shock you, but it will effect you're mental and spiritual life. It's normal, so if you're wondering what's going on, and why you're not okay, sit down "and rethink your life", ask yourself what could be going on to cause this. Because it's not actually that likely that you're crazy, I mean, there is always that chance, but it's not that likely. I learned to give myself time to freaking grieve, life sucks sometimes, and if you don't let the suckiness of it all sink in, it will follow you until you do. But once you have gotten acquainted with your surroundings, your pain and suffering, don't stay there! Get up, listen to Firework by Katy Perry, and do something with your life, serve where you can. And don't expect too much from yourself, you are not going to save the world by tomorrow, not even by next week, but in the wise words of a dear friend,  "give what you can, it may depend on the day what you can give, but give what you can". Give what you can. Don't give up. And for heaven's sake stop comparing your pain, your suffering, your depression to everyone else's! My word.

God is opening up my eyes to stop belittling what I feel because it looks like someone else has it way harder and is dealing with it all so much better than me. Shut up and sit down self. You don't know their story, you don't know their walk in life. "'Child,' said the Lion, 'I am telling you your story, not hers. No one is told any story but their own.'" (The Horse and His Boy, C.S. Lewis) And everyone, I repeat everyone, responds differently to the depression and the overwhelming things going on in their lives. Give yourself some grace and stop freaking out about everyone else. John 21.21-23, read it. While you're at it, you might as well read verses 15-19. They're pretty rad.

 I am going to give you the saying that has kept me going for the last several weeks, "I may be a mess, but I am a mess that Jesus loves". I guess the most amazing part in all of this is that we can never be too much for God, even when we are too much for ourselves.Have you ever felt too much for yourself? I sure have, I have had so many nights feeling sorry for myself and my friends, because even I didn't want to be around me. But God was still there, is still here. Even if I can't see it or feel it. So as pissed off at the Jesus that loves me as I may be, it will never stop Him from loving me. Ha, that both encourages me, and ticks me off at the same time. But, you know, even if God did miss that meeting. The one where I explained how this all was going to go down, and even if that ticks me off to no end, I still believe, I still have hope. Even through the anger and hurt, I have hope... and even in moment's like these, where I cannot scrap up hope, I have knowing. That He's there, that He loves me, and that He will use all of this. This is not a waste of time or space. "There will always be a way through" (Aslan, The Magician's Nephew, C.S. Lewis). It may suck, but there will always be a way through. Things are not alright, and I'm not okay, but I have hope, I have knowing, that they will be. Someday. Maybe. And that day will be glorious, but until that day,  I will just have to look for the sun in the rain, and try and find my sense of adventure once more, (because life really is a grand adventure). So I will leave you with the words of Mr. Magorium, from Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, "Your life is an occasion. Rise to it".

C.G.