There Will Always Be A Way Through

This is for the days when you're broken, hurt, and pissed at God. You know the days, the one's where you and God had an agreement about who you were supposed to be, who they (whoever "they" may be) were suppose to be, what they were supposed to do, or how things were really supposed to go down. Except, somehow God seemed to have missed that meeting, what's up with that?

I, myself, have been having one of those days for the last several weeks. You see, things in my life are not the best right now. And that's okay, its better than so many others. And I'm not here to complain about it, but I am certainly not happy about it, and not really okay with it either. Because, honestly, I am not okay. And in this imaginary conversation/agreement I had with God, we agreed that I would be okay. Even while everything else felt like it was falling apart, I was supposed to be my bright and happy self, just laughing it off and remembering that this was all a part of some great, and beautiful, and grand adventure. Except it wasn't. Because some of it sucked, like really, really sucked. And hurt me in ways I didn't even know I could be hurt. And in that hurt, I made a lot of mistakes, which just hurt me more.

Who am I? Is it all my fault? It must be, because it can't be anyone else's fault. I can't be mad at anyone else, I don't want to be mad at anyone else, I just want everything to be as it was! And if I can't, well, then, I'm not sure I want it at all. Where is God? Does He even care that this is happening? I "know" He does, but then why can't I feel Him Close? WHERE IS HE?  Do I think I even know what really happened? These and many, many more questions have floated through my head over the past month, and each of those thoughts had many more emotions attached to them.Until I was aching, drowning in emotions.The point is not the pain or the questions, but what I have learned from truly exploring those questions and emotions (many of which I still have unanswered).

 I have learned to surround myself with amazing friends, the ones that love you unconditionally and remind you that, no, you cannot run away, but you are worthy and oh, so loved. I learned your mind, body, and soul are all connected. So if you have raging hormones going on right now, this may shock you, but it will effect you're mental and spiritual life. It's normal, so if you're wondering what's going on, and why you're not okay, sit down "and rethink your life", ask yourself what could be going on to cause this. Because it's not actually that likely that you're crazy, I mean, there is always that chance, but it's not that likely. I learned to give myself time to freaking grieve, life sucks sometimes, and if you don't let the suckiness of it all sink in, it will follow you until you do. But once you have gotten acquainted with your surroundings, your pain and suffering, don't stay there! Get up, listen to Firework by Katy Perry, and do something with your life, serve where you can. And don't expect too much from yourself, you are not going to save the world by tomorrow, not even by next week, but in the wise words of a dear friend,  "give what you can, it may depend on the day what you can give, but give what you can". Give what you can. Don't give up. And for heaven's sake stop comparing your pain, your suffering, your depression to everyone else's! My word.

God is opening up my eyes to stop belittling what I feel because it looks like someone else has it way harder and is dealing with it all so much better than me. Shut up and sit down self. You don't know their story, you don't know their walk in life. "'Child,' said the Lion, 'I am telling you your story, not hers. No one is told any story but their own.'" (The Horse and His Boy, C.S. Lewis) And everyone, I repeat everyone, responds differently to the depression and the overwhelming things going on in their lives. Give yourself some grace and stop freaking out about everyone else. John 21.21-23, read it. While you're at it, you might as well read verses 15-19. They're pretty rad.

 I am going to give you the saying that has kept me going for the last several weeks, "I may be a mess, but I am a mess that Jesus loves". I guess the most amazing part in all of this is that we can never be too much for God, even when we are too much for ourselves.Have you ever felt too much for yourself? I sure have, I have had so many nights feeling sorry for myself and my friends, because even I didn't want to be around me. But God was still there, is still here. Even if I can't see it or feel it. So as pissed off at the Jesus that loves me as I may be, it will never stop Him from loving me. Ha, that both encourages me, and ticks me off at the same time. But, you know, even if God did miss that meeting. The one where I explained how this all was going to go down, and even if that ticks me off to no end, I still believe, I still have hope. Even through the anger and hurt, I have hope... and even in moment's like these, where I cannot scrap up hope, I have knowing. That He's there, that He loves me, and that He will use all of this. This is not a waste of time or space. "There will always be a way through" (Aslan, The Magician's Nephew, C.S. Lewis). It may suck, but there will always be a way through. Things are not alright, and I'm not okay, but I have hope, I have knowing, that they will be. Someday. Maybe. And that day will be glorious, but until that day,  I will just have to look for the sun in the rain, and try and find my sense of adventure once more, (because life really is a grand adventure). So I will leave you with the words of Mr. Magorium, from Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, "Your life is an occasion. Rise to it".

C.G.